If, at the beginning of the college basketball season, you had told me that Baylor would be a 3 seed, while UConn and North Carolina would not even make the NCAA tournament, I’d ask what sort of alternate universe you came from.

Apparently, we are now part of this alternate universe.

(By the way — and I’m saying this as a Baylor alum — the Bears were seeded too high…they are more like a 5 seed.)

Once again this year, I have a Liquid Egg Product Tournament Bracket“>Liquid Egg Product bracket setup on ESPN. As the number of regular readers has steadily decreased over the past couple years, it should be easier for you to win this year.

As usual, there are no prizes for winning. No media interviews. No glory. Well, maybe a little glory.

Liquid Egg Product Tournament Bracket

Childish innocence: There burst boisterous laughter in the childish minds like round pumpkin. Joyful remembrances of childhood are reminded.

So this guy General Custer gets all the blame for getting his butt kicked by Indians. But historians tend to ignore the brilliant Indian strategy that disabled Custer’s army.

You see, while the US Army dressed in full uniforms, the Native Americans wore loincloths that showed off their lean, muscular bodies. As the sweat glistened off the Indians’ perfectly formed pecs, Custer’s soldiers realized how homoerotic the battle would look in a movie. The Indians closed in on the nervous US army. Custer’s troops shifted uncomfortably as the definition of their enemies’ toned, taut thighs became more obvious.

The soldiers couldn’t stop focusing on the Indians’ chiseled six-packs, and were completely incapable of firing their weapons. The discomfiture of the US troops led to their annihilation (see General Custer’s death in the picture)

Over 100 years later, the US Army took a page from the Native Americans’ playbook. In 1991, just before the war over Kuwait, the US sent the entire Iraqi army a copy of the movie Top Gun. The conservative Iraqi troops were so disturbed by the latent homoeroticism in the movie, they completely lost cohesiveness as a fighting force.

The other day I got this in the mail (click to view full-size):

Either a most amazing coincidence, or somehow my name is now publicly tied to egg somehow. But I know I never sent anything to those guys under the name “Donnie Briggs Egg”.

If you’re like most people, you’ve probably thought to yourself, “Hey, I wonder when Liquid Egg Product is going to get us some good breast milk stories.” Well, today’s your lucky day…

Breast milk can be used as a cheese: The couple has further plans to create a gelato.

Breast milk can repel the opposite gender: And considering the number of caddish males, this could prove rather useful.

Breast milk can be used as a weapon: This is probably how Saddam Hussein was planning to use biological weapons

Breast milk can earn you a pink slip: We give cow’s milk to babies. Is a baby accidentally getting another mother’s milk really that frightening?

Compared to most Americans, I’m pretty sanguine when it comes to minor inconveniences. Like being assigned a center seat on an airplane. There are a couple thoughts that run through my mind when this happens:

1. My chances are doubled I’ll sit next to a cute, single girl. (And after my two prior failures following up with girls I’ve gotten numbers for, it stands to reason the third time will be the charm.)

2. My chances are doubled I’ll sit next to someone who needs to take some of my seat space.*

This time around, my neighbors were a portly old man and an old woman playing sudoku. Neither had to use any of my seat space.

I suppose we can call that a draw.

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* I don’t put very much blame on the airlines or the big and tall for seat overflow situations, but that’s a discussion for another time.

I tried this stuff. I still don’t feel like Zeus. Or, if I do feel like him, being the king of gods is seriously overrated.

The tea isn’t bad, however.

For those of you who can’t get enough of me:

An actual Twitter account: http://twitter.com/LiquidEgg

An actual Facebook account: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?ref=profile&id=1154624499

Dabbling in rendering again. Click the image for full-size.

Celebrating Black History Month doesn’t work as well when you encourage elementary school students to celebrate O.J. Simpson, Dennis Rodman, and RuPaul.

3 L.A. teachers suspended over Black History Month celebration