Handling Halloween
I wanted to organize a big Halloween bash but Donnie was like “lolz halloween’s for sux0rs noob” and Mr. E said “Naw, man, I’m too old for that stuff.”
So was I stuck deciding whether to crash a party or pulling a trick and stealing the kids’ treats (haha, see what I did there?) Now I’ve only been in human culture for a year, so someone had to advise me that it’s not impossible I’d get “arrested” if things got out of hand. So I decided to just hand out egg-free food to local trick-or-treaters.
I needed to get a treat, so went to the store and bought a box of raisins. Unfortunately, I ate most of the box so there wasn’t very much left come evening, so each kid would have a strict ration of 5 raisins. Here’s an example of how it went:
| [Kid knocks on the door; I open it. There are three tub-o-lard kids and a parent.] | |
| Kids: | Trick-or-treat!!! |
| Fat Kid: | That’s a great costume, Mr. Egg! |
| Me: | I’m not wearing a costume, I’m really an egg. |
| Obese Kid: | Ha ha. You’re funny, Mr. Egg! |
| Obeser Kid: | What about our treats? |
| [I decided they were so fat, they didn't need more food. So I gave them 3 raisins instead of 5.] | |
| Parent: | What was that you put in the bag? |
| Me: | Raisins. Each kid got 3. I made sure they all got the same thing. |
| Fat Kid: | Ew, raisins? |
| Obeser Kid: | Yeah, that sucks! |
| Me: | Shut up you ungrateful little twerp! Your fat butt is going to have a heart attack at 14 and you don’t need more help from me to do it! |
| Parent: | Is this your idea of a joke? |
| Me: | Maybe if you stopped feeding your kids Crisco bars and ice cream for breakfast, I wouldn’t feel bad about giving them candy! |
| Parent: | Ugh! You are a disgusting (etc., etc.) |
Next year, I’m crashing a party.
