Oh noez

[Obama] is very quickly turning this Country into a Socialist Republic. Humm Wonder what will he do next . . . declare martial law, introduce goose stepping, set up concentration camps for people who don’t agree with his politics. The whole situation is very, very sad.

Over the Internet, it’s tough to say whether this person is using hyperbole, mocking political opponents, or actually believes concentration camps for Republicans is a real possibility.

The Mascot teaches human mating rituals

Have you ever been in a restaurant and wondered whether that cute waiter or waitress was smiling at you because it’s their job or because they’re hoping to get your number?

With the advent of the swine flu, I’ve developed a foolproof way to figure out whether you’re in line for true love. You just need the following three things:

1. A mask that protects against swine flu.
2. Cash to pay your bill (there could be complications with credit cards).
3. The ability to run relatively quickly.

First step is to make sure to be wearing the mask before you get into the restaurant. Since there’s the swine flu going around, you won’t look too suspicious. Then if you notice that cutie waitress smiling at you a lot, here’s where you make your move. Go ahead and pinch her butt or grope her. If she gives you her phone number, congratulations! You’ve gotten yourself a hot date.

On the other hand, if she screams or calls for police, it’s time to switch to plan B. Throw enough cash on the table to cover your bill. So if the police catch you, they can’t say you didn’t pay. Then run like heck. If you’re wearing the mask like you’re supposed to, it’ll be hard for them to get a positive ID.

Chess on the road

Note: The programs’ difficulty levels was judged by an out-of-practice 1600 USCF-rated player.

Medieval Chess Kings 2 for Blackberry

So I bought this to have a little chess to play while waiting to board flights (see MagMic’s website). This is not a very good screenshot; the actual game looks much crisper.

There are 6 difficulty levels named after various rulers, such as King Arthur or Mehmed II, each with their own chess set. It’s a nice touch. (For custom sets to be used, “Classic Chess Set” has to be set to “no”, which I did not find stated in the help file.)

I’ve tried up to the medium difficulties. So far, no contest. Other reviews said the highest difficulty takes a long time to move and was not appreciably stronger.

My biggest gripe is that the board does not flip when you are playing Black. This is an egregious, inexcusable, and stupid oversight.

There’s a functionality for network play, but I haven’t used it. Since I play on the BlackBerry for maybe 15 minutes at a time, it’s not very useful for me.

If you don’t care about playing from White’s point of view when you’re Black, it’s a decent program as long as you’re not expecting a challenge.

Continental Airlines’ Chess (I forget what the actual title is.)

Like many airlines, Continental is starting to put media centers in each seat, allowing for movies, TV programs and gaming. Of course, the first thing I tried is the chess game.

It’s a basic offering, with three levels of difficulty, a bit of appearance customization, and the ability to play someone else on the flight. I tried the medium difficulty first, and smashed it with no problems, going up a Rook by the early midgame. The only resistance was provided by the user interface: it’s touch-screen with no undo, so you have to be certain to touch the correct square. (I ended up giving back the Rook, but still won with no problems.)

The hard difficulty takes forever to make a move, and I was not able to get past the move 15 or so before the flight was over. The AI did play an adequate game (no glaring material losses and I actually had to think). It should be noted the AI does not have an opening book, so it starts thinking from move 1.

Continental’s chess program has value mainly for playing a fellow passenger. The hard setting will leave you twiddling your fingers waiting for it to move. Maybe if you’re rated 1200 or lower, the medium difficulty will play a reasonable game. Otherwise, you’re better off with your own travel chess computer.

I planned it all along *cough*

$2.87 left in the checking account on Thursday night. Paycheck deposited on Friday.

(Fortunately, not a normal occurrence. A large bill and a preference to keep money just about anywhere instead of a checking account conspired to bring about this circumstance.)


As far as the theme change, Ye Olde Pirate reigns again because I felt the new look had readability issues. Work has prevented me from finishing the new, home-grown LEP theme. (The prior theme was Sliding Door.) EDIT: Pirate is gone for even more old-school theme.

The Mascot teaches human mating rituals

Even though most of you probably still eat eggs, I wanted to thank all the humans who patronize this site. As a gift, you will receive my scientific insight into the human mating ritual and how you can harness this power to trick someone into liking you.

I’ve done months of research at the natural courting areas of Homo Sapiens (drinking bars). After reviewing the data, the human coupling process can be summarized as follows:

1. The male of the species attempts to get a female’s attention with a pathetic “pick-up line”.
2. The female rejects the male with an equivalently implausible excuse.
3. A couple is created only after a sufficient amount of alcohol is consumed by both parties.

It’s rumored that if the male is Derek Jeter or George Clooney, step 2 does not take place. Unfortunately, neither of them showed up during my studies to verify this.

So if you want to meet someone special, you need to be prepared. Here’s four introductions that can work for you. Now if you successfully coupled readers want to share your own lines, that’s cool. But for beginners, I’d recommend sticking with one of my recommendations.

Males can open with one of the following lines:

1. My toupee is less fake than Donald Trump’s. Can you tell?
2. Yo, babe, I don’t have any STD’s.
3. Ah eat zee French fries and zee French toast, because Ah am zee romantique French man!
4. We go together like dirty dishes and handwashing soap.

Females can respond with the following shoot-downs:

1. Sorry, I have to scrub my cheese grater tonight.
2. Wow, this sex change operation is even more convincing than I thought!
3. You know that guy Michael Jordan? Yeah, well, I’m waiting for him.
4. Call me! My number is 911-290-2328.*

* If you’re not in the U.S., substitute the “911” with whatever your country’s emergency service number is.

A moral dilemma

First of all, is anyone really fooled that a modern chemist sloshes mysteriously colored liquids back and forth in test tubes all day? Did the Times’ photographers say, “Hey, look, we have some orange and purple Kool-Aid here, could you pour some into those beakers so you fit our readers’ stereotype of a chemist?”

Chemist abusing eggs in culinary experiments

Hervé This, the founder of molecular gastronomy, has created a completely synthetic meal. It sounds weird, but this is a great hope for the future once we get used to it. Think about it: If these guys can make fake eggs out of chemicals, people might stop killing real eggs. It would be a major step in our quest for equal rights and justice.

But those scientists are probably going to use real eggs for their experiments. In the picture, you can see that chemist apparently shelled a couple eggs alive, and is brazenly torturing the one on the right by crushing him between his fingers. It’s almost like Mr. This doesn’t even believe his test subject is alive.

How can I possibly support such yolk-wrenching treatment of my fellow egg?

Baseball

If a Major League team finds itself 9 1/2 games out of first place on Apr 20, that usually means it’s not a good baseball team.

It looks the Washington Nationals are starting to figure out a good bullpen is not optional. (And the Marlins would like to thank the Nats for padding their win total.)

And yes, almost every non-Yankee fan enjoyed hearing about that 22-4 debacle.

This week I’m in Miami, and forgot the Monday Fighter! files at home. Monday Fighter! will be back next week.