Even though most of you probably still eat eggs, I wanted to thank all the humans who patronize this site. As a gift, you will receive my scientific insight into the human mating ritual and how you can harness this power to trick someone into liking you.

I’ve done months of research at the natural courting areas of Homo Sapiens (drinking bars). After reviewing the data, the human coupling process can be summarized as follows:

1. The male of the species attempts to get a female’s attention with a pathetic “pick-up line”.
2. The female rejects the male with an equivalently implausible excuse.
3. A couple is created only after a sufficient amount of alcohol is consumed by both parties.

It’s rumored that if the male is Derek Jeter or George Clooney, step 2 does not take place. Unfortunately, neither of them showed up during my studies to verify this.

So if you want to meet someone special, you need to be prepared. Here’s four introductions that can work for you. Now if you successfully coupled readers want to share your own lines, that’s cool. But for beginners, I’d recommend sticking with one of my recommendations.

Males can open with one of the following lines:

1. My toupee is less fake than Donald Trump’s. Can you tell?
2. Yo, babe, I don’t have any STD’s.
3. Ah eat zee French fries and zee French toast, because Ah am zee romantique French man!
4. We go together like dirty dishes and handwashing soap.

Females can respond with the following shoot-downs:

1. Sorry, I have to scrub my cheese grater tonight.
2. Wow, this sex change operation is even more convincing than I thought!
3. You know that guy Michael Jordan? Yeah, well, I’m waiting for him.
4. Call me! My number is 911-290-2328.*

* If you’re not in the U.S., substitute the “911″ with whatever your country’s emergency service number is.