Have you ever been in a restaurant and wondered whether that cute waiter or waitress was smiling at you because it’s their job or because they’re hoping to get your number?

With the advent of the swine flu, I’ve developed a foolproof way to figure out whether you’re in line for true love. You just need the following three things:

1. A mask that protects against swine flu.
2. Cash to pay your bill (there could be complications with credit cards).
3. The ability to run relatively quickly.

First step is to make sure to be wearing the mask before you get into the restaurant. Since there’s the swine flu going around, you won’t look too suspicious. Then if you notice that cutie waitress smiling at you a lot, here’s where you make your move. Go ahead and pinch her butt or grope her. If she gives you her phone number, congratulations! You’ve gotten yourself a hot date.

On the other hand, if she screams or calls for police, it’s time to switch to plan B. Throw enough cash on the table to cover your bill. So if the police catch you, they can’t say you didn’t pay. Then run like heck. If you’re wearing the mask like you’re supposed to, it’ll be hard for them to get a positive ID.