The REAL Story of Thanksgiving

Due to time constraints and having a coffee fetcher who can’t do his job, this production was shorter and of a lower quality than originally envisioned. Sorry.

We do hope this clears up some of the misconceptions about the history of the American holiday Thanksgiving.

Thanks to Dinosaur Mom for having an avatar suitable for the female role. We really need to hire some female eggs soon.

How to become a spy

After my exposé of the Knights Errant, a lot of people emailed me with stuff like “Hey, Mascot, that was pretty slick how you got all that top-secret information. Can you teach me how to be a spy?”

Of course, I can’t divulge all of my secrets. But this will get you on the right track.

1. Being a spy doesn’t make you cool: A lot of people think just because you scale walls, eavesdrop on evil dictators, and drive improbably decked out vehicles, being a spy can make you cool.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. You have to be cool first before you can be a spy. It’s like those commercials about the Most Interesting Man in the World. He isn’t interesting because he wanted to be. He’s interesting because he is interesting.

So if you’re like a nerd or something, you can’t be a spy.

spies
A true spy’s identity is inscrutable — note the strategic use of masks. The CIA has no clue what the identities of “Shell Game” and “Agent R” are.

2. Make sure to wear a Zorro mask, so no one can recognize you.: If you’re familiar with the story of Zorro, Don Diego de la Vega was able to hide his identity for years (even though he was one of the five people in town who could have possibly fit the description). How? Because of the mask. And if it worked for Zorro, it can work for you.

The CIA took this picture of a suspicious exchange between two spies. Due to their masks, it’s impossible to tell who they are.

3. Don’t sleep with the sexy enemy agent: And the only exception to this rule is if you’re James Bond. Otherwise, one of three things will happen:

  • 1. You’ll discover, too late, the wine was poisoned.
  • 2. A knife under the pillow will find its way into your back.
  • 3. The enemy agent will signal “Vladimir”, “Yuri”, and “Nicolai” to break in and beat you to a pulp before the inevitable KGB interrogation.

If you will forgive the stereotype of the brutal Russian spy. No offense to our Russian readers and readers married to Russians, of course. But it’s true.

Here’s your chance to see me shirtless

Annie had this idea that if I were to start an exercise regimen, having “before” and “after” pictures would be a good idea.

Today, I post the “before” pictures. In deference to those of you who are eating, you’ll need to click the link to see the pics.

Shirtless from the front

Now I know what a few of you are thinking. “Donnie, it’s not that bad. You could be worse off — you could be me.” Yes, understood. But it feels like when a 1300 rated chessplayer admires my 1600 rating. Sure, it’s OK, but it’s not that good.

Even though my weight is not a problem, my overall living is not that healthy. I don’t exercise and vegetable consumption seems weak.

A side view makes my lack of conditioning more obvious:

Shirtless from the side

My stomach is bigger than my chest, and I have a rather ample “office butt”. Plus it’s obvious my arms have one or maybe two muscles total.

Fortunately, my new apartment complex has a gym handy, so I’ve dived into an exercise regimen. Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday for weightlifting, Monday, Wednesday, Friday for running (or other aerobic activity).

Will I get yoked like Carrot Top? Well, OK, maybe that’s not something to shoot for. In any case, I’m not doing this not for appearance, but for health. A changed physique will be a side-effect, though. And if I end up with a six-pack, that’s nothing to complain about.

Besides, it would be nice not to have to buy clothes at Kids Gap to make my arms look bigger.

The practice makes the master join a chess club

“The practice makes the master join a chess club”

No, this is not a fortune cookie. This is the title of an article at americachess.com, and they may want to get a native English speaker to help them proofread the stuff pretty soon.

Other titles include:

“Chess boards without them there is no game”
“Keeping alive the chess clock”
“3D Chess the new era of Play Chess”

Many of you have gotten that spam ad from one “Mary Miller” who wants us to shill for her, but it’s probably one of those Nigerian “princes” in disguise.

Celebrating our veterans

Today, Americans celebrate Veterans’ Day, to commemorate their fallen warriors. We Eggs do that, too:

1. Second Punic War: Hannibal cobbled together many allies to fight the Romans, including the powerful Eggish tribes that lived in modern-day Switzerland. He used the Eggs while they were useful, but clearly Hannibal feared the might of the Eggish warrior. He had all his human allies attack us in the back, including trampling us with elephants. Cowards.

Battle of Crepe

2. Battle of Kyoto, 1931: Okonomiyaki is a foul Japanese dish in which many eggs are killed to make a sort of “pancake” or “pizza”. In a bold strike against this atrocity, the famous rebel Tamago Katayude (卵 固ゆで) launched a coordinated attack against okonomiyaki restaurants in Kyoto. Eggs would launch themselves into the chefs’ faces, preventing them from being able to cook any okonomiyaki at all. It took two weeks for the “professional” Japanese army to put down the unequipped, amateur Eggish freedom fighters.

It’s obvious that one of the okonomiyaki chefs later must have become a high ranking Japanese commander in World War II and stole the suicide attack idea from Katayude.

3. The Denny’s Rebellion, 1976: In a Denny’s in Mobile, Alabama, the 105th Eggish Brigade formed to overwhelm the restaurant, and started to march on City Hall. Then the S.W.A.T. team showed up.

To celebrate their “victory”, Denny’s introduced the “Grand Slam” breakfast the following year. Humans still order Grand Slams today.

Resolution

It’s hard to remember that there are so many who have a hard time affording food, even in a rich country like the United States. When you have food security, at least you have the energy and full mental capacity to try to dig yourself out of a bad situation. When it’s a battle to get enough calories…I can’t imagine the struggle.

So, this will be a habit: Every time I shop for groceries, $10 will be spent on food that I’ll donate to a food bank.

The truth about the Knights Errant

I’m sorry to have to do this. Some of you will be very angry after reading this, but there are a handful of chess bloggers who have intentionally deceived the rest of us as to their motives for blogging.

Yes, it has to do with some members of the Knights Errant.

I had to pretend to become a worshipper of de la Maza to find out the hidden secrets of this mysterious order.

History:

The Knights Errant was founded in 1320, shortly after the fall of the Knights Templar. Like the Templar, they were created to search for “the Holy Grail” (which is really the bloodline of Jesus — read the Da Vinci Code if for some reason you don’t know this.) Unlike the Templar, they would remain small, practically invisible so they wouldn’t threaten the Church. They invented this game called “chess” and pretended that’s what they were interested in.

The Knights Errant and Freemasons are closely linked. Typically, the leaders of the two organizations have been the same person, except during times where they felt their secret would be compromised.

With the discovery of DNA’s structure in 1953, the Knights Errant realized the ability to clone Jesus was possible, as long as they could find his DNA. And then they could rule the world.

Recent History:

Man De La Maza and Sancho Pawnza are credited with “founding” the Knights Errant, but this was only to draw suspicion away from the true people in power. Did you ever wonder why Blue Devil Knight was considered such a dynamic, charismatic leader? It’s because of the powerful, demonic rituals he performed as Grandmaster of the Freemasons.

BDK is excited about finding a piece of Jesus' DNA
BDK is excited about finding a piece of Jesus’ DNA

A couple years ago, he allegedly retired from chess blogging, but that was only because Dan Brown was watching him too closely. The Masons/Knights Errant decided to temporarily split up the leadership role. So he resigned from being the Secretary of the Knights Errant, but he was still the Grandmaster of the Masons.

The next couple secretaries, Glenn Wilson and Likesforests didn’t do much for several months. It was a pretty slick way to throw people off the trail, but I wasn’t fooled.

chessloser in amazonEvil Masonic rituals assured chessloser would be unhurt by poisoned arrows shot by enraged native tribesmen.

The role of chessloser:

Didn’t anyone find chessloser’s trip to South America strange and suspicious? Well, I did and my investigation did not end up fruitless.

To realize their plans, the Knights Errant needed some secret ingredients found only in rare plants deep in the Amazon. But they couldn’t travel freely in South America due to opposition from the Catholic Church.

So, they decided to get a non-Knight to go down there. chessloser was the perfect agent. They bribed him with beer and porn magazine subscriptions to fight through masses of native Amazonian warriors and shrug off poison arrows to get the rare plants. And he did it.

Blunderprone holds up the Declaration of Independence (artist's rendition)
Blunderprone holds up the Declaration of Independence (artist's rendition)

Future plans of The Knights Errant

Conveniently, Blunderprone seems to want to pick up the mantle. It’s convenient because he lives in Massachusetts, which is pretty close to the Masonic-designed city of Washington, D.C. Once they get the DNA of Jesus figured out, Blunderprone can stop by and pick up the original Declaration of Independence, which has the secret formula to cloning Jesus written on the back. That way they can make the Antichrist in a test tube and start Armageddon so they can rule the world.

It’s pretty obvious, you just can’t trust anyone.

I will probably be dead when/if you read this

The Masons/Knights Errant will probably get this site taken offline and hire the Mafia to kill me off, so I am considering this my farewell. I gave this information to Dan Brown so it will be in his next book.

My mom is blogging now

My mom jumped into the blogging world: Cottagesweet: Living by the sea as naturally and organically as possible.

And it’s been up since June. So why haven’t I mentioned it before?

For one, I didn’t find out for a few months.

Secondly…well, let’s face it. Our target audiences couldn’t be more different. My mom’s blog is incredibly girly and tauts the benefits of organic and gluten-free cuisine. Meanwhile LEP targets people entertained by anthropomorphic food and occasionally pretends to appeal to chess players.

Troy Polamalu is such a bad actor

It’s not abyssmal, but just bad enough so I can watch it repeatedly and keep giggling.

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