After my exposé of the Knights Errant, a lot of people emailed me with stuff like “Hey, Mascot, that was pretty slick how you got all that top-secret information. Can you teach me how to be a spy?”

Of course, I can’t divulge all of my secrets. But this will get you on the right track.

1. Being a spy doesn’t make you cool: A lot of people think just because you scale walls, eavesdrop on evil dictators, and drive improbably decked out vehicles, being a spy can make you cool.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. You have to be cool first before you can be a spy. It’s like those commercials about the Most Interesting Man in the World. He isn’t interesting because he wanted to be. He’s interesting because he is interesting.

So if you’re like a nerd or something, you can’t be a spy.

A true spy’s identity is inscrutable — note the strategic use of masks. The CIA has no clue what the identities of “Shell Game” and “Agent R” are.

2. Make sure to wear a Zorro mask, so no one can recognize you.: If you’re familiar with the story of Zorro, Don Diego de la Vega was able to hide his identity for years (even though he was one of the five people in town who could have possibly fit the description). How? Because of the mask. And if it worked for Zorro, it can work for you.

The CIA took this picture of a suspicious exchange between two spies. Due to their masks, it’s impossible to tell who they are.

3. Don’t sleep with the sexy enemy agent: And the only exception to this rule is if you’re James Bond. Otherwise, one of three things will happen:

• 1. You’ll discover, too late, the wine was poisoned.
• 2. A knife under the pillow will find its way into your back.
• 3. The enemy agent will signal “Vladimir”, “Yuri”, and “Nicolai” to break in and beat you to a pulp before the inevitable KGB interrogation.

If you will forgive the stereotype of the brutal Russian spy. No offense to our Russian readers and readers married to Russians, of course. But it’s true.