2009 Retrospective

Today, we wax vain about Liquid Egg Product and talk about what we liked most about this past year. (We’re doing this to keep morale up, because 2008 had distinctly higher quality posts.)

But first of all, we thank all our readers for their patronage (or should that be tolerance?). Especially those of you who leave your witty comments. It really makes LEP come alive and infinitely increases our pleasure doing it.

And as we do every several months, we promise to have more chess-related posts in the future.

: Even though it’s useless, I like that we now have an official calendar. It looks good in my living room.

: The best part was when Donnie posted shirtless pictures of himself. Now everyone can tell how much sexier I am than him.

: All I know is that I pity the fools who don’t know about LEP.

: The most gratifying thing is if you do a Google search for “liquid egg” or “liquid egg product”. Our blog is listed first, even ahead of all those companies that actually sell liquid egg product. That gives me a warm feeling inside.

Actual chess

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. A few positions from some of my relatively recent games. Nothing tricky or deep about these, to get you going on a Monday.

1. Black played …N7f6. Is this a reasonable move for him?
chess puzzle 1

2. Black to play. The Black player (me) failed to find a move which picks up material. Don’t be like me and figure it out.
chess puzzle 2

3. White to play. How do you like g4 for him here? If not, what would you recommend?
chess puzzle 3

4. White to play. Presumably, Black had seen this position when he allowed himself to go down a Knight for a Pawn. Probably the idea was that after the Queen moves, Black can play Bxd4+ with pressure on b2 and a bit of time to make his position more hale. How should White counter?
chess puzzle 4

Answers (man, I hope these are right)

1. 1. … N7f6? loses a piece to 2. Nxf6, since the Knight on d5 is now pinned. 2. … Qxf6 and 2. … Kxf6 (if you’re thinking outside the box) are both followed up with 3. c4.

2. 1. … b4 2. axb4 cxb4 3. Na2 Nxe4. Black’s ability to play Qb6+ at some point gives him the time needed to tidy up the position a bit.

Nor does trying to attack the Black Knight (2. e5 bxc3 3. exf6 Bxf6) prevent the loss of a Pawn.

3. If your name is Derek and this looks vaguely familiar, that’s because it’s from that G/15 we played a a little while back.

I did play g4 here, and must have been deluded or time-strapped to think it was a reasonable option. 1. g4? fxg4 2. Qxf7+ Bxf7 and Black’s picked up an extra Pawn.

Instead, 1. Rf1.

4. This is one of those positions where the “sacrifice” is obvious enough so that it doesn’t deserve an exclamation point. 1. Rxf6 gxf6 2. Qxf6 and a resignation might not even be premature here (although at the class level, there’s a fair enough chance White might mess it up.)

Requiem

One of my friends mentioned what song she’d like for her funeral.

So that got me thinking as to how I’d like my death handled. Here are my instructions to next of kin:

  • Have the doctors remove my usable organs
  • Dump me in some convenient, nearby hole
  • Use the life insurance money for a new car or something instead of a funeral

More than likely, someone will insist on an actual funeral and ask me what should be played for the requiem. But by the time of the ceremony, I probably won’t care too much what song’s being played. And if I am caring by that point, please have someone unlock the coffin so I can not die by being buried alive. (It would be depressing to realize no one wanted my spare body parts.) So what I’ll do is have five songs prepared, and the party goers can vote on their favorite upon arrival.

“Safety Dance”, Men Without Hats
“White and Nerdy”, Al Yankovich
“(I Can’t Play) Basketball”, Jimmy Fallon
“I’m Too Sexy”, Right Said Fred
“Grillz”, Nelly

List subject to change over the next 50 years or so. I’ll keep you posted.

Buy our crap

I made these for myself, but these make perfect gifts for anyone on your Christmas gift list!

(Actually, they don’t make perfect gifts, because they won’t make sense to anyone outside the LEP readership.)

“Forsooth, sucka!” paraphernalia featuring Sir E striking a heroic pose. The T-shirts come complete with the story of how he saved Queen Elizabeth on the back (except for the Value T-shirt).

2010 Liquid Egg Product calendars. There’s a full 12 month calendar, containing both completely new images and classic images re-done for the calendar. There are also simpler calendar prints — a single, glossy 11″ x 17″ page.

You’ll notice Mr. E looks just a little different. He had to be redesigned, as CafePress was not comfortable with how similar Mr. E looked to a certain human celebrity, if you know who I mean.

No, I’m not mad and can’t really blame them. It’s probably best in the long run anyway.

Navigating the minefield

The whole selling for money thing also means some of the best stuff from the past could not be included in the full calendar. Such as the Mascot playing Kasparov in their advertisement for Captain Morgan’s rum. Or the Chess Enquirer. I could probably beg Blunderprone to get his permission to allow his image on the calendar. But the chances of getting Elizabeth Vicary’s permission is not as good, not to mention no chance with Joel Benjamin (who probably doesn’t have the foggiest idea who we are).

I also had to be careful about my graphics toolbox. For example, I was going to use Terragen for one of the months, but the free version doesn’t allow commercial use. Unfortunately, the $99 simply isn’t worth it for just one picture. (But it’s a cool program!)

The Sun-Maid girl finally got some implants

It’s very important for the face of an organization to appeal to the widest audience possible. That’s why me, the Mascot, is the face of Liquid Egg Product.

Sun-Maid has that girl on their boxes of raisins. And she’s alright; she has the whole “farming grapes” thing going. But it’s kinda hard to tell she’s a girl except for a long hair. In fact when I was a kid, I thought she was a male hippie.

So the Sun-Maid company wised up and finally ponied up some money for some breast implants. Check out the difference:

1970_logo

sunmaid big boobs

Would you believe there’s all these people complaining about it? I don’t get what the problem is. Don’t people like looking at big boobs? I know I like big boobs.