Tournament Catchup

The rest of the games from the last two tournaments. The last two games are painful and embarrassing.

Game 1: Playing Black against an Expert, I play him evenly until a major positional blunder. This was a result of not appreciating the positive aspects of my position, thus throwing my strength away.

Game 2: My young opponent plays too passively and defensively as White, and traded two minor pieces for a Rook and pawn (usually not a good idea). He eventually gives me the chance throw open the center with by “sacrificing” a Knight for two Pawns, although the resulting position is so obviously good, it’s hard to call it a real sacrifice.

Game 3: I sacrifice a Bishop for a Kingside attack. Unsound, but perhaps worth trying against a weaker opponent. We both missed major tactics. This one went down to the wire on the clock.

Game 4 is a powerful lesson not to lose focus when you’re destroying your opponent. It was a crushing loss, and even though I said all the right things mentally, I obviously was in no shape to play the following game. Unusual opening mistakes lead to a very quick loss in game 5.

It’s clear I need to work on mental toughness to get to the 1700 mark (and considering how poorly even class A players can perform, I’d love to set a goal of reaching 1800 by the end of 2011). Still, when the new ratings are released at month’s end, I’ll be close to 1650, which is better than when the month started.

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Three-year-old boys are impressed by my penis

So I was helping to babysit a couple kids, one of them a three-year-old boy. And I really needed to go number one. Even though he surely would have survived me not watching him the two minutes it takes to urinate, I figured it’s better to have the best of both worlds. Why close the bathroom door when I could keep it open and keep an eye on him at the same time?

So I walked to the toilet, and he predictably follows through the open door. “No big deal, it’s just a kid,” I reiterated mentally, whipping out my manhood to complete the call of nature. What I didn’t expect is the kid’s reaction. His eyes widened, and he started to reach out towards my crotch. By this time, the urine had started to flow, so there wasn’t a convenient way to dodge or cover up. Fortunately, he ended up merely pointing at it (granted, the tip of his finger was only 5mm away from actual contact).

Belatedly, I realized that my penis would look absolutely huge to the underdeveloped version he currently has as a three-year-old. No wonder he was enthralled.

By the time I finished peeing, my penis’ hypnotic grip over the kid was broken. The stench from the urine in the toilet extracted a cry of “Stinky!” from him, so I flushed the toilet and zipped up. Any uncomfortability wafted away like a corpse’s stench whisked off by a refreshing zephyr.

Seriously.

It’s bad enough that you were too lazy to change the default control names. Using “RequiredFieldValidator1” and “TextBox1” does not make your code easier to read.

None of the calendars are renamed from the default name, except for one that is enigmatically called “sixth”. “Sixth” is actually the 5th calendar in that section, and the 8th one overall.

But what’s really irritating is that RequiredFieldValidator4 doesn’t validate TextBox4, it validates TextBox1. None of the other validator names correspond with any other control names either. Why?

Yes, I hate you.

Dear Mascot

Hey people, I’m starting this feature called “Dear Mascot”. You can write me, and I might answer your email on the blog. Write me at themascot -AT- liquideggproduct.com

Here’s our first one*:

Dear Mascot,

Why are you such a dooofus?

N.N.

Dear N.N.,

It’s not as easy as it looks. And you spelled doofus wrong. Idiut.

The Mascot

* For illustrative purposes only. May or may not be based on an actual reader email.

The 2012 Olympic mascot designers smoke more than I do

There are days when I look at Liquid Egg Product, and wonder whether there’s something a little extra in those mushrooms I love to eat. Thankfully, whoever designed the mascots for the 2012 Olympics seem to be even further disconnected from our current reality:

2012 olympic mascots

Apparently, they thought it was a great idea for the mascots to be a pair of Reach toothbrushes, except with a single eye in place of the bristles.

SOURCE: London 2012: Olympic mascots Wenlock and Mandeville unveiled

Yes, please flee in shame and/or terror

So why post this game? Well, yes, of course I want to brag about a scalp against a player rated 360 points higher. But this one also has a good story.

It’s the first round of the tournament. After the game’s over, we shake hands and my opponent leaves the playing room. Still stunned over my good fortune, it takes me a minute or two later to move out. Unsure of how polite it would be to request a postmortem (knowing he was undoubtedly disappointed with a bad loss to a weaker player), I tepidly walked down the hall, but my opponent was nowhere to be found. Not a big deal, so I step outside for some fresh air.

There are a couple of HCC members hanging out, and we briefly discussed my victory, with one of the members mentioning “He’s gone.” Like, my opponent left the tournament? Yep, he went home.

Apparently, my opponent is well-known for simply leaving tournaments after a loss. And he must have been doubly pissed by losing to such a weak player.

Yes, I KNOW it’s completely shameful to lose to me. But, c’mon, you gotta continue to fight and show you can do better, right? Normally, I don’t like to gloat over victories, but being the guy who made my opponent flee the tournament in shame…it made things a little more special.

Also established over the past week is a new Saturday routine when nothing else is going on: Tai Chi class in the morning and chess in the afternoon, leaving the evening open to ineffectually hit on girls at bars.

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