"Besides, being a mascot has its advantages. Like you can randomly hug cute chicks and no one's going to freak out. But you have to touch some men, too, so no one gets suspicious."
-- The Mascot

Battle Royale: Mayor McCheese vs. Captain Hindsight

Famous rivalries abound in both fantasy and reality. Batman vs. Joker. Ryu vs. Ken. Lakers vs. Celtics.

Yeah, yeah. Been there, seen those.

I’m going to make up some new rivalries and pretend someone will actually care about the outcome. First up: Mayor McCheese vs. Captain Hindsight

Scenario: Mayor McCheese wanders aimlessly throughout the slums of McDonaldland (the parts McDonald’s doesn’t show on TV, obviously). Marginalized since the 80′s, the Mayor bitterly contemplates his ruined life, trembling with envy and fury, knowing That Clown still has a place in the hearts of children.

Suddenly, the Mayor looks up at a moving spot in the sky. As it approaches, McCheese’s heart starts to grow with renewed hope…it’s Captain Hindsight, undoubtedly here to help get his job back.

Mayor McCheese: Captain Hindsight, I’m so glad you’re here! I’ve been fired by McDonald’s and need your help!
Captain Hindsight: Hmmm. Well, first, you shouldn’t have been a ripoff of H.R. Pufnstuf. That way, your employer couldn’t have been sued. Also, you should have been more charismatic and less of a bumbling idiot. That way, the kids would still love you and you’d be too valuable to McDonald’s to fire. Well, my job is done here!
Mayor McCheese: No.
Captain Hindsight: What?
Mayor McCheese: You crush hopes. You crush dreams. Instead of telling me something useful, you tell me what I should have done 30 years ago. Captain Hindsight, my soul is the last you will crush. Know that I am Mayor McCheese, and you will not escape alive.

Mayor McCheese

Captain Hindsight

Who wins in this battle of sworn archenemies?

Who wins in a fair fight, Mayor McCheese or Captain Hindsight?

View Results

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October 29th, 2010 11 comments
Posted by Filed under Entertainment, Random

Introducing Afghanistan to American-style capitalism

A “Burqa King” franchise of stores would be the perfect way to introduce Afghanis to the benefits of a free market system.

Yes. I’m sorry. So, so sorry.

(In case you’re truly aren’t aware, this is a take-off of the Burger King logo.)

October 27th, 2010 8 comments
Posted by Filed under Bad Ads, Burning Agony

The one thing that gets me to go to McDonald’s

McDonald’s will never be confused with haute cuisine, and I never go because I crave their food. But a couple weeks ago, I made a quick stop by the Golden Arches for a quick, convenient bite. Lo and behold, they are holding that Monopoly game this month.

With certain food items, you get these playing pieces that mostly correspond with Monopoly properties (free food items are also possible). Getting all of the properties of the same color earns you get a prize. The 3 light blue properties, Oriental, Vermont, and Connecticut Avenues (kinda cheapo properties in the game) will win $100. Boardwalk and Park Place are a cool $1,000,000. That first, fateful trip, two of the orange properties fell under my control (all 3 are worth $1,000), and I’ve gone back to McDonald’s several times in the hopes of securing the elusive third orange.

Now I’m no fool. The game is controlled by having one of the properties in each set rare, while the rest are common. My two oranges were both the common ones*. In reality, I’m not close to winning anything at all. But it’s a weird sort of siren call that keeps me coming back, and hoping to get just the right stroke of luck. Actually, that probably does make me a fool.

Once the game ends, of course, I’m not going back to McDonald’s until the next Monopoly game. Probably not even to redeem these free food prizes.

* In addition, I now possess the common light blues, reds, greens, pinks, brown and blue. It’s not really that much help.

October 26th, 2010 12 comments
Posted by Filed under Grilled Cheese, Weaksauce Losers

Class Championship, Game 5

Finally got around to doing the grand finale.

Round 4 overall went pretty well. Don, Tim, and I won, while Ivan drew. All of us were guaranteed at least an even score, and Don and I had good chances to place in the top 3 in our respective sections.

Game 5, I was going for the “all-kill”, winning all 5 games. A mere 1680 who hadn’t played any serious game in 4 months had a chance to prove clear superiority versus players up to 100 points stronger! To be honest, I’m still giddy thinking about it.

Even with loss, I’d tie for 3rd and get the most of the entry fee back in winnings. A draw would mean a tie for 1st, and a win would be clear 1st! Since the average rating of my opponents was so high, I would have the advantage in any tiebreak situation. So, to be honest, I was not too concerned about getting the win. Perhaps I was a bit too relaxed; overall, the play was rather sloppy.

There was a bit of unintentional BM on my part as well towards the end, although it was after the game was decided…


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My opponent shook hands and congratulated me on winning the section. This was it. Victory! Well, sort of. Victory enough. I wasn’t even disappointed about not going 5-0.

My comrades congratulated me, and even strangers complimented me on my tenacity. One guy mentioned people stopped watching the game at one point because they figured it was over (I was too involved to notice who was watching). And it seems like some people assumed the comeback was due to tough defense. To be honest, people were giving me too much credit; the draw was because of my opponent’s poor endgame decision. Nonetheless, I suppose there is something to the idea that at least I held out long enough for the mistake to happen.

The draw meant, however, a tie for first, as another player earned 4.5 points as well. While we would split the 1st and 2nd place money, earning $600 each, the tiebreaker meant I would win the champion’s plaque. He actually offered to play an all-or-nothing game for the money ($1200 or nothing!) I laughed and told him I’d play for the plaque only. I knew I was not playing as well that day and did not have faith in the result. Even if I were confident, $600 is too much to risk the result of what would be, at best, a coin flip. (We didn’t play.)

Don won his last game as well, earning 2nd place in the unrated section. Unfortunately, Ivan and Tim lost their last games, but at least pulled out an even score overall. It was awesome having people around for moral support and some other games and results to have a vested interest in besides my own. Even my rivals in the class B section were at least cordial, if not downright friendly, and I hope to see some of these people in the Houston Chess Club in the future.

As a side note, this result also means my first 1st category norm! In fact, the only class B player to earn that norm. OK, I am done bragging about this event. Time to look towards the future.

October 19th, 2010 6 comments
Posted by Filed under Chess

These cell phone pics demonstrate more ego than intelligence

OK, so. My source finally sent me the lewd cell phone pics allegedly sent by the Mascot. Unfortunately (or fortunately for him), his face doesn’t actually show, so it’s not definitive proof.

But, it sounds like something he would do, so I’m going to assume they’re from him. Please don’t make fun of his lack of, um, substance.

WARNING: ALL THESE PICS ARE NSFW!

Cell Phone Picture 1

Cell Phone Picture 2

Cell Phone Picture 3

October 14th, 2010 10 comments
Posted by Filed under Blog News, Patently Ineffective

Shocking allegations rock LEP

The Mascot has been suspended with pay while being investigated for sexual harassment. He is alleged to have been sending cellphone pictures of his penis to Shelly, the female staffer of LEP.

While Shelly herself has so far refused to corroborate the story, the third-party source is considered highly reliable.

It’s further rumored that the Mascot mentioned something about wanting to be “just like my hero, Brett Favre”, but these could not immediately be confirmed.

Stay tuned for further updates as this story develops. Our source is supposed to send the alleged photos later tonight.

October 13th, 2010 10 comments
Posted by Filed under Blog News, Patently Ineffective, Uncomfortability, Weaksauce Losers

Class Championship, Game 4

Round 3 had gone better for my comrades: Ivan and Tim got back on track with wins, and Don managed a draw. With a good last day, we could all get positive results. For me, no matter how this day turned out, the final result would be a plus score. If you had told me before the tournament I’d earn 3 out of 5 points, I’d have been ecstatic. But with 3 points in 3 games, the perception completely changes. Now it would be a bit of a disappointment not to place in the money!

Clearly, this final day would be the greatest struggle if a high place were possible, starting against what was probably my strongest opponent yet. We chatted a bit before the game…apparently, he used to be around Expert strength and has only recently been playing again. Although there’s not much USCF history to verify, at the time I took his word for it. Presumably, he was a rusty player, but with a superior understanding of the game.

I did NOT expect to play well. And in fact, I did make some serious mistakes. But at this level, it’s not always about who plays the best. Sometimes, being a little tenacious gives you some unexpected, undeserved chances…


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October 11th, 2010 8 comments
Posted by Filed under Chess

Class Championship, Game 3

Saturday’s morning round 2 was not so good for my comrades, who all lost. At least there were three rounds remaining to improve their status.

And as for me, based on my rating and lack of practice, I’d figured getting 2 points for the whole tournament would be a fair result. But these 2 points were already earned after 2 games! While the same success couldn’t be expected again over the next 3 games, I had much more confidence in the ability to compete strongly against anyone else in the section.

This is one of those games that demonstrates at the class level, a player missing basic tactical shots still is such a vital factor! Superior tactical play will get more wins than outmaneuvering based on positional minutiae.


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October 10th, 2010 no comments
Posted by Filed under Chess

Class Championship, Game 2

One thing that was cool about this tournament is having a set of people to talk about the games with. Ivan, his friend Tim, and Don were a kinda-sorta mini-posse (see our picture here). During the matches, we’d float by each other’s tables and check out what was going on, assuming we weren’t hard-pressed in our current game.

After the first round, things went as well as could be expected. Ivan, Don, and I all won, and Tim drew. As we came back Saturday afternoon, hopes and spirits were high. Could round 2 go just as well?

I was paired with the only lower-rated opponent I’d face this tournament. He was, in fact, a YAK (young Asian kid). Although I keep hearing about how kids are underrated and should be feared, I’ve found little reason to fear young people. They don’t seem to frequently punch above their rating and are easier to psychologically unsettle.

This opinion will probably change in about 10 years when middle age sets in. But for today, I was happy with this pairing, and it would be the only one I had a lot of confidence of being able to take.

Take note of the many ?’s and no !’s in the game score. This is not a game to be proud of; I merely performed less worse than the YAK.


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October 5th, 2010 4 comments
Posted by Filed under Chess

+107

Unofficially, this last tournament will net me about 107 rating points, boosting the rating to 1787…only 13 points from Class A!

Granted, the 1787 is likely inflated, and it will settle down to the lower 1700′s eventually. But I no longer have any doubt I’m a 1700 level player.

October 5th, 2010 1 comment
Posted by Filed under Chess