"A guy that's living on an inner tube. You're going to say 'Here's a spatula, here's hot dog relish and here's a ball-point pen.'?"
-- Phil Hendrie

Battle Royale: Mayor McCheese vs. Captain Hindsight

Famous rivalries abound in both fantasy and reality. Batman vs. Joker. Ryu vs. Ken. Lakers vs. Celtics.

Yeah, yeah. Been there, seen those.

I’m going to make up some new rivalries and pretend someone will actually care about the outcome. First up: Mayor McCheese vs. Captain Hindsight

Scenario: Mayor McCheese wanders aimlessly throughout the slums of McDonaldland (the parts McDonald’s doesn’t show on TV, obviously). Marginalized since the 80′s, the Mayor bitterly contemplates his ruined life, trembling with envy and fury, knowing That Clown still has a place in the hearts of children.

Suddenly, the Mayor looks up at a moving spot in the sky. As it approaches, McCheese’s heart starts to grow with renewed hope…it’s Captain Hindsight, undoubtedly here to help get his job back.

Mayor McCheese: Captain Hindsight, I’m so glad you’re here! I’ve been fired by McDonald’s and need your help!
Captain Hindsight: Hmmm. Well, first, you shouldn’t have been a ripoff of H.R. Pufnstuf. That way, your employer couldn’t have been sued. Also, you should have been more charismatic and less of a bumbling idiot. That way, the kids would still love you and you’d be too valuable to McDonald’s to fire. Well, my job is done here!
Mayor McCheese: No.
Captain Hindsight: What?
Mayor McCheese: You crush hopes. You crush dreams. Instead of telling me something useful, you tell me what I should have done 30 years ago. Captain Hindsight, my soul is the last you will crush. Know that I am Mayor McCheese, and you will not escape alive.

Mayor McCheese

Captain Hindsight

Who wins in this battle of sworn archenemies?

Who wins in a fair fight, Mayor McCheese or Captain Hindsight?

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October 29th, 2010 11 comments
Posted by Filed under Entertainment, Random