You might have heard this one before

You might have heard this one before, but I just ran across it today. Changed slightly to entertain myself.

There are 5 houses in five different colors
In each house lives a different species.
These 5 owners drink a certain poison, smoke a certain brand of cigar and keep a certain pet.
No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same poison.

The CLUES:
The Mummy lives next to the Blue House.
The Mantis drinks cyanide.
The one who smokes Blends has a neighbor who drinks mercury.
The Green House is on the left of the White House.
The owner who smokes Blue Master drinks gasoline.
The one who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
The one in the center house drinks bleach.
The Egg lives in the Red house.
The Mummy lives in the left-most house.
The Human keeps dogs as pets.
The one who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
The Green House’s owner drinks hydrochloric acid.
The one who keeps horses lives next to the one who smokes Dunhill.
The Bacon smokes Prince.

The QUESTION:
Who owns the fish?

Fireworks

There was this interview Fox News did with Bill Clinton about 5 years ago. It went about as smoothly as you’d expect.

I guess the first 4 minutes were relatively tame.

Bank robbing and technology

Here’s a pro tip: If you rob a bank, don’t brag about it on Facebook.

A couple tellers enlisted the help of a boyfriend and brother to “rob” the bank while they were the only tellers working.

A few days later, the conspirators were posting statuses like “”IM RICH BITCH”, “WIPE MY TEETH WITH HUNDEREDS …” and “U HAVE TO PAST THE LINE SOMETIMES!! TO GET DIS MONEY!!”

It looks like someone was able to put two and two together. It was the all-caps that really gave it away.

Source: Heist suspect’s post: ‘IM RICH’

Bible Buffet

Perhaps I’m not up on my Bible reading. But if anyone can remind me what part of the Bible involved getting attacked by carrots, french fries, and salad dressing, that would be much appreciated.

“Black Eggs Can’t Mate” Casting Call?

I can’t start this for another month or two, but I’m envisioning an actual Black Eggs Can’t Mate Flash movie, maybe 10 to 15 minutes long.

Would you be interested in a voice acting role? Let me know! Actual acting ability is completely optional.

Unfortunately, I don’t know any GM’s or IM’s to cast as the Russian grandmasters; that would be AWESOME. It would lend some credibility to the project (sort of). But it’s not like Hikaru Nakamura stops by LEP all the time or anything and would volunteer (and it’s not like he can do a convincing Russian accent anyway).

Great Eggs in History

While Donnie is off pretending to be important in Miami, I am staying with his girlFIEND Katrushka for a bit. I am very nervous because she is an unrepentant egg-eater but so far I seem to be safe. I guess she knows that Donnie will be heartbroken if anything happens to me. Anyway, Katrushka is helping me by editing the entry because she has a degree in Writing Stuff or whatever silly things women get degrees in. I think I offended her because told her she couldn’t change my stuff based on facts she looked up or whatever, but she could add footnotes. So if you see a number, that means there’s a note from Katrushka at the bottom of the entry. And it’s in a smaller font because it’s not as important.

Well, speaking of bossing women around, I want to talk about one of my late, great ancestors. That’s why I’m calling it “Great Eggs in History” instead of continuing the “Great Moments in History” series. Today I want to talk about my ancestor Egghis Khan. Egghis Khan was a Mongrel1 and a serious badass who conquered most of Asia and later his sons and grandsons conquered some of the Middle East and Europe and they probably would’ve conquered Mars if there had been spaceships2. “Egghis Khan” is ancient Mongrelian for “Super Egg King.” Egghis Khan had about a million wives, concubines, and “surprises.”3 In fact, it is estimated that 0.5% of all eggs AND HUMANS are genetically related to Egghis Khan. He was a lovin’ machine. And a fightin’ machine. Oh, and he kinda destroyed a lot of valuable stuff in other people’s cultures…but he did so because he took over their places and made them better! The Mongrel Empire eventually stretched from Mongrelia, where Egghis was born, all the way to Eastern Europe. And they didn’t have cars or planes or teleporters back then.4 ALSO, he was known for his tolerance (except for other people owning things he wanted) and wasn’t a racist at all! (Because anybody could be one of his insanely hot wives, no matter what race you were, as long as you were female. And insanely hot. I have the same criteria for my girlfriends.) And he had a lot of descendants, including me, the most important one. Here are some other important descendants:

In conclusion: Egghis Khan is my hero, and I am related to some weirdos5. I expect you all to refer to me by my new, ancestrally-correct name, Mascot Khan.


1 Mongol. He refused to believe it was a word.
2 Or air to breathe.
3 “Surprises” meaning “Surprise! You’re going to have my baby in 9 months!”
4 He is convinced that Star Trek is a documentary, and nothing I say will convince him otherwise.
5 He’s only related to some weirdos. Riiiiight.

Black Eggs Can’t Mate

Once we get enough money, we’re making the movie “Black Eggs Can’t Mate” (click image for full size):

Synopsis: Chess hustlers make a living by winning bets off neighborhood games. Chess Expert Albert Chan (played by Egg Fu Yung) thinks he can be the best hustler in the ‘hood. But he’s fresh off the boat, and is having a tough start in a new country.

Albert stumbles upon struggling rapper Tyronez Bonez (played by Mr. E) and discovers a latent chess talent. The unlikely duo strike it rich on the chess hustling scene, because no one thinks black guys can play chess.

But when the National Bughouse Tournament comes to town, ghosts from the past threaten to destroy Albert and Tyronez. Will our chess hustler heroes thwart the plans of pasty white CEO Lars Melville (played by the Mascot)? Can they hang with those blasted Russian Grandmasters?

Bad graphics, good games

There’s no way around it: Slay is a great game.

On the website you can download a demo…although the map available is actually one of the more difficult ones.

The AI’s respectable, but you should outclass fairly quickly. It presents the most problems in the chaotic opening. Even if you seem way behind after everyone consolidates territory, the computer plays the endgame poorly, and can be goaded into unfavorable situations.

The main challenge is in the map configurations; despite the roughly even hex count, difficulty varies widely.

I’d recommend changing the default color scheme, as some colors are too close together.

Secondly, there’s Minecraft. I’ll bet a few of you have already given this a shot. I’d be half-tempted to set up my own server and invite peeps to play if it were worth the money to have my own server.

You go around the world digging up cubes of materials, like stone and wood, combining them in various ways to get more and better stuff. (You can also beat up animals for their riches; cows give leather, etc.) In the beginning, you just have your fists. Once you have some basic materials, you play around with the crafting screen figuring out exactly what you can make with your stuff. Like picks, shovels, and axes to improve your cube-chopping ability.

During the day, you’re relatively safe, but at night baddies come out. So your first day will be spent creating a basic shelter to hide at night. Later, you’ll be able to create weapons and armor to help yourself, too.

It’s vaguely addicting, but don’t have so much free time to play around with it.

Click on the image for the larger size to check out a bit of my cave-home. Note this is with the “fancy” quality graphics option.

Something else to brag about

Thanks to everyone who entered this year’s Liquid Egg Product NCAA bracket! This year, I was the winner, correctly predicting UConn to win it all and ending up in the top 1% of all ESPN entries. Woot.

The Mascot and I had a bet…the loser would take a picture in drag and post it to the site. Just a little something to look forward to.