Mr. E’s PX-9000 Full Body Workout!

Yo, tools! Is your body a lump o’ fat, like most Americans? Don’t wanna get pitied anymore? Exclusive on Liquid Egg Product, starting April 1, I’m gonna give some free previews of my personal fitness program, PX-9000!!!! (Imagine me yellin’ that loud, you KNOW that’s intimidatin’!)

Mr. E's PX-9000 Full Body Workout!

It’s my PERSONAL guarantee, that in just 9000 hours of PX-9000 training, you’ll be ripped…or you’ll be DEAD! Even if I have to kill you myself!

No expensive “protein” drinks! Not like you Americans don’t get enough protein from your fatburgers and pepperoni pizzas. Just good ol’ fashioned exercise! Minimal equipment! Just figure out how much you can bench press to know the right level for you!

px9000 level

Food is pretty, don’t want to eat

Two heads of lettuce

Out of many container gardening guides, one thing they don’t emphasize: bigger containers are better!

These turned out beautiful, and it was tough starting to eat them. Plenty for the salads I’ll be consuming to counter the horrible diet I’ve “sustained” while business traveling.

A surreal expectation about gay marriage

Here in the United States, the Supreme Court is hearing a couple cases about gay marriage. We should hear an answer by June and the smart money is on some expansion of who can legally get married.

Comment sections of articles have a wealth of poorly formed arguments concerning gay marriage. This took the cake:

Furthermore, the forces behind gay marriage have a hidden agenda.
1. Legitimize religious persecution and bigotry.
2. Assist 3rd world dictators in oppressing their people by linking homosexuality and western democracy.

I am also amused by the people that are mentioning that gays DO have the right to marry already…as long as it’s someone of the opposite gender.

Monday Fighter!

For those of you who still occasionally drop by, but don’t know, the year 2013 has been about the business travel. This sign by the baggage claim kind of sums it up.

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Yeah, I came from some city, and this is where I’m supposed to be. I don’t need to know any more than that right now.

And now I will eat this Burger King meal that cost as much in dollars as the amount of hours spent traveling (11).

Why do popes change their names to something boring?

So they say to this guy Jorge Mario Bergoglio, “Hey, dude, we want you to be the leader of a billion-person organization, but you need to change your name” and he says “Uh, OK, some other popes used Francis; I guess I’ll use that one.”

Really, George?

It’s like if my name were Robert and I decided to change my name to Derek. People would say, “Oh yeah, you’re so cool, changing your name from one millions of people use to a name millions of other people use.” And while they were saying it, they would kind of purse their lips and use that tone of voice just on the edge of straight and sarcastic. Not sarcastic enough so you can call them out on it, but enough so you KNOW they respect you slightly less than the leftover sugar that didn’t dissolve in your coffee.

But you look at a baller like Metta World Peace…now he had the right idea.

Elect me as pope, and guaranteed I’ll drag the Catholic church out of the 13th century and into the 20th. For starters, giving myself a cool name, like Pope Space Ghost or Pope Spider-man. Someone cool. 4chan and Reddit would completely blow up! And they’d talk about how maybe this new pope isn’t a child molester or Nazi sympathizer for a change.

And if those cardinals give me flak for my sweet new name, all I gotta say is “I’m the damn POPE; I’m infallible, mortal scum!” And they won’t even be able to call me out for using the minor swear word “damn”, because I would have said it in Latin.