So this guy General Custer gets all the blame for getting his butt kicked by Indians. But historians tend to ignore the brilliant Indian strategy that disabled Custer’s army.

You see, while the US Army dressed in full uniforms, the Native Americans wore loincloths that showed off their lean, muscular bodies. As the sweat glistened off the Indians’ perfectly formed pecs, Custer’s soldiers realized how homoerotic the battle would look in a movie. The Indians closed in on the nervous US army. Custer’s troops shifted uncomfortably as the definition of their enemies’ toned, taut thighs became more obvious.

The soldiers couldn’t stop focusing on the Indians’ chiseled six-packs, and were completely incapable of firing their weapons. The discomfiture of the US troops led to their annihilation (see General Custer’s death in the picture)

Over 100 years later, the US Army took a page from the Native Americans’ playbook. In 1991, just before the war over Kuwait, the US sent the entire Iraqi army a copy of the movie Top Gun. The conservative Iraqi troops were so disturbed by the latent homoeroticism in the movie, they completely lost cohesiveness as a fighting force.

In this month’s magazine:

Shocking KGB leak reveals: Russian lab clones two-headed chess master. Putin told scientists: “Get the chess championship back from that Indian!”

Gata Kamsky caught in gay scandal! (say sources)

The Silman – Nostradamus connection: how you can prepare for Armageddon

Chess Enquirer contest: Can you look nerdier than Kramnik?

Thankfully, Flash can automatically import Photoshop files, so I didn’t do that much work.

It’s very important for the face of an organization to appeal to the widest audience possible. That’s why me, the Mascot, is the face of Liquid Egg Product.

Sun-Maid has that girl on their boxes of raisins. And she’s alright; she has the whole “farming grapes” thing going. But it’s kinda hard to tell she’s a girl except for a long hair. In fact when I was a kid, I thought she was a male hippie.

So the Sun-Maid company wised up and finally ponied up some money for some breast implants. Check out the difference:

Would you believe there’s all these people complaining about it? I don’t get what the problem is. Don’t people like looking at big boobs? I know I like big boobs.

Due to time constraints and having a coffee fetcher who can’t do his job, this production was shorter and of a lower quality than originally envisioned. Sorry.

We do hope this clears up some of the misconceptions about the history of the American holiday Thanksgiving.

Thanks to Dinosaur Mom for having an avatar suitable for the female role. We really need to hire some female eggs soon.

After my exposé of the Knights Errant, a lot of people emailed me with stuff like “Hey, Mascot, that was pretty slick how you got all that top-secret information. Can you teach me how to be a spy?”

Of course, I can’t divulge all of my secrets. But this will get you on the right track.

1. Being a spy doesn’t make you cool: A lot of people think just because you scale walls, eavesdrop on evil dictators, and drive improbably decked out vehicles, being a spy can make you cool.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. You have to be cool first before you can be a spy. It’s like those commercials about the Most Interesting Man in the World. He isn’t interesting because he wanted to be. He’s interesting because he is interesting.

So if you’re like a nerd or something, you can’t be a spy.

A true spy’s identity is inscrutable — note the strategic use of masks. The CIA has no clue what the identities of “Shell Game” and “Agent R” are.

2. Make sure to wear a Zorro mask, so no one can recognize you.: If you’re familiar with the story of Zorro, Don Diego de la Vega was able to hide his identity for years (even though he was one of the five people in town who could have possibly fit the description). How? Because of the mask. And if it worked for Zorro, it can work for you.

The CIA took this picture of a suspicious exchange between two spies. Due to their masks, it’s impossible to tell who they are.

3. Don’t sleep with the sexy enemy agent: And the only exception to this rule is if you’re James Bond. Otherwise, one of three things will happen:

• 1. You’ll discover, too late, the wine was poisoned.
• 2. A knife under the pillow will find its way into your back.
• 3. The enemy agent will signal “Vladimir”, “Yuri”, and “Nicolai” to break in and beat you to a pulp before the inevitable KGB interrogation.

If you will forgive the stereotype of the brutal Russian spy. No offense to our Russian readers and readers married to Russians, of course. But it’s true.

Today, Americans celebrate Veterans’ Day, to commemorate their fallen warriors. We Eggs do that, too:

1. Second Punic War: Hannibal cobbled together many allies to fight the Romans, including the powerful Eggish tribes that lived in modern-day Switzerland. He used the Eggs while they were useful, but clearly Hannibal feared the might of the Eggish warrior. He had all his human allies attack us in the back, including trampling us with elephants. Cowards.

2. Battle of Kyoto, 1931: Okonomiyaki is a foul Japanese dish in which many eggs are killed to make a sort of “pancake” or “pizza”. In a bold strike against this atrocity, the famous rebel Tamago Katayude (卵 固ゆで) launched a coordinated attack against okonomiyaki restaurants in Kyoto. Eggs would launch themselves into the chefs’ faces, preventing them from being able to cook any okonomiyaki at all. It took two weeks for the “professional” Japanese army to put down the unequipped, amateur Eggish freedom fighters.

It’s obvious that one of the okonomiyaki chefs later must have become a high ranking Japanese commander in World War II and stole the suicide attack idea from Katayude.

3. The Denny’s Rebellion, 1976: In a Denny’s in Mobile, Alabama, the 105th Eggish Brigade formed to overwhelm the restaurant, and started to march on City Hall. Then the S.W.A.T. team showed up.

To celebrate their “victory”, Denny’s introduced the “Grand Slam” breakfast the following year. Humans still order Grand Slams today.

I’m sorry to have to do this. Some of you will be very angry after reading this, but there are a handful of chess bloggers who have intentionally deceived the rest of us as to their motives for blogging.

Yes, it has to do with some members of the Knights Errant.

I had to pretend to become a worshipper of de la Maza to find out the hidden secrets of this mysterious order.

History:

The Knights Errant was founded in 1320, shortly after the fall of the Knights Templar. Like the Templar, they were created to search for “the Holy Grail” (which is really the bloodline of Jesus — read the Da Vinci Code if for some reason you don’t know this.) Unlike the Templar, they would remain small, practically invisible so they wouldn’t threaten the Church. They invented this game called “chess” and pretended that’s what they were interested in.

The Knights Errant and Freemasons are closely linked. Typically, the leaders of the two organizations have been the same person, except during times where they felt their secret would be compromised.

With the discovery of DNA’s structure in 1953, the Knights Errant realized the ability to clone Jesus was possible, as long as they could find his DNA. And then they could rule the world.

Recent History:

Man De La Maza and Sancho Pawnza are credited with “founding” the Knights Errant, but this was only to draw suspicion away from the true people in power. Did you ever wonder why Blue Devil Knight was considered such a dynamic, charismatic leader? It’s because of the powerful, demonic rituals he performed as Grandmaster of the Freemasons.

BDK is excited about finding a piece of Jesus’ DNA

A couple years ago, he allegedly retired from chess blogging, but that was only because Dan Brown was watching him too closely. The Masons/Knights Errant decided to temporarily split up the leadership role. So he resigned from being the Secretary of the Knights Errant, but he was still the Grandmaster of the Masons.

The next couple secretaries, Glenn Wilson and Likesforests didn’t do much for several months. It was a pretty slick way to throw people off the trail, but I wasn’t fooled.

Evil Masonic rituals assured chessloser would be unhurt by poisoned arrows shot by enraged native tribesmen.

The role of chessloser:

Didn’t anyone find chessloser’s trip to South America strange and suspicious? Well, I did and my investigation did not end up fruitless.

To realize their plans, the Knights Errant needed some secret ingredients found only in rare plants deep in the Amazon. But they couldn’t travel freely in South America due to opposition from the Catholic Church.

So, they decided to get a non-Knight to go down there. chessloser was the perfect agent. They bribed him with beer and porn magazine subscriptions to fight through masses of native Amazonian warriors and shrug off poison arrows to get the rare plants. And he did it.

Blunderprone holds up the Declaration of Independence (artist's rendition)

Future plans of The Knights Errant

Conveniently, Blunderprone seems to want to pick up the mantle. It’s convenient because he lives in Massachusetts, which is pretty close to the Masonic-designed city of Washington, D.C. Once they get the DNA of Jesus figured out, Blunderprone can stop by and pick up the original Declaration of Independence, which has the secret formula to cloning Jesus written on the back. That way they can make the Antichrist in a test tube and start Armageddon so they can rule the world.

It’s pretty obvious, you just can’t trust anyone.

I will probably be dead when/if you read this

The Masons/Knights Errant will probably get this site taken offline and hire the Mafia to kill me off, so I am considering this my farewell. I gave this information to Dan Brown so it will be in his next book.

Last month, the Reassembler blog wanted his reader(s) to vote for what he should blog about next. And we clamored for #4: The debatable value of trying too hard to win.

Not wishing for good topics to go to waste, Wahrheit took the initiative in creating #3: Link love. (And I have to give a special shout-out to Wahrheit: since mentioning Donnie’s “improving” FICS rating, Donnie hasn’t won, slapping him back to reality. You don’t know how tiring it was to hear him brag about “I’m almost 1900!” every single meeting.)

And this e-mail I got from Mrs. Reassembler gave me a perfect opportunity to create a post for #6: Put a sock in it, Slater!

Dear Mascot,

I need your help. My husband is normally a wonderful man, but there is one thing that’s driving me crazy! HE NEVER PUTS HIS DIRTY CLOTHES IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET. I have to gather up his clothes off the floor everytime! Help!

Thanks,

Mrs. Reassembler

This is a tough one. For the first cycle in your husband’s training, we’ll start him off with socks, then we’ll work up to shirts and jeans.

Step 1: Take off a dirty sock

Step 2: Walk over to the laundry basket (Warning: can require effort if you don’t happen to be close by)

Step 3: Put a sock in it!