Yeah, it’s getting old, but what the heck. Good for pretending I’m spending a bunch of time on new content.
In this month’s issue…
Aronian plotting to start World War 3
REVEALED: Aronian’s secret late-night strategy sessions with the spirit of Kim Jong -Il!
The secret agenda behind the Chess Blogger Carnival:
Don’t expect Pearson or BDK to tell you!
Prior Chess Enquirers:
Before you people get jealous, you should know that flying in a rocket ship is completely overrated.
Today, we discover Santa’s true motifs. Or motives.
Good news! Sort of. We are doing a Christmas story this year!
Let me know if the font is too hard to read. I will change it.
Lesson 2: A vital part of commentating on sports is to criticize the playcalling with the benefit of hindsight. You should ignore the fact that even good coaching decisions have a chance to fail.
This is especially effective when you point out that you agreed with the initial call, making you a hypocrite.
Let’s look at ESPN’s Pat Yasinskas’ blog to give us a perfect example:
When Mike Smith first decided to go for it on fourth-and-inches in overtime, I liked the call. I thought it was gutsy and ambitious. After watching Michael Turner get stuffed, I changed my mind. Smith should have punted and taken his chances with his defense.
Hey, no one said sports commentary had to make any sense.
As my plans to start up the Mascot Sports Network have begun, I’ve been watching the Worldwide Leader to check out their secrets.
Lesson 1: Use “momentum” as a tautologous, more analytic term for “having won the last game”.
Example:
“The Texas Rangers just won Game 2 of the World Series” is not very insightful.
“The Texas Rangers have the momentum going into Game 3″ is also not very insightful, but sounds much more analytical.
Yeah, so I have to admit it. Even though everyone knows that I, the Mascot, is incredibly non-nerdy, there’s one part of me that’s…kinda nerdy.
I always wanted to star in an old-school style RPG. It would have a kick-butt name like “The Secret of Breakfast”:
And since it’s “old-school”, the graphics could use only 4 colors, like those old CGA monitors:
And you’d encounter a variety of dastardly enemies, like Goblins, Ogres, or Bagels:
You could even switch between Palette #1 (black, white, cyan, magenta) and Palette #2 (black, yellow, green, red) if you wanted some variety:
But, this would be way too awesome and the world doesn’t deserve an experience like that.
While Donnie is off pretending to be important in Miami, I am staying with his girlFIEND Katrushka for a bit. I am very nervous because she is an unrepentant egg-eater but so far I seem to be safe. I guess she knows that Donnie will be heartbroken if anything happens to me. Anyway, Katrushka is helping me by editing the entry because she has a degree in Writing Stuff or whatever silly things women get degrees in. I think I offended her because told her she couldn’t change my stuff based on facts she looked up or whatever, but she could add footnotes. So if you see a number, that means there’s a note from Katrushka at the bottom of the entry. And it’s in a smaller font because it’s not as important.
Well, speaking of bossing women around, I want to talk about one of my late, great ancestors. That’s why I’m calling it “Great Eggs in History” instead of continuing the “Great Moments in History” series. Today I want to talk about my ancestor Egghis Khan. Egghis Khan was a Mongrel1 and a serious badass who conquered most of Asia and later his sons and grandsons conquered some of the Middle East and Europe and they probably would’ve conquered Mars if there had been spaceships2. “Egghis Khan” is ancient Mongrelian for “Super Egg King.” Egghis Khan had about a million wives, concubines, and “surprises.”3 In fact, it is estimated that 0.5% of all eggs AND HUMANS are genetically related to Egghis Khan. He was a lovin’ machine. And a fightin’ machine. Oh, and he kinda destroyed a lot of valuable stuff in other people’s cultures…but he did so because he took over their places and made them better! The Mongrel Empire eventually stretched from Mongrelia, where Egghis was born, all the way to Eastern Europe. And they didn’t have cars or planes or teleporters back then.4 ALSO, he was known for his tolerance (except for other people owning things he wanted) and wasn’t a racist at all! (Because anybody could be one of his insanely hot wives, no matter what race you were, as long as you were female. And insanely hot. I have the same criteria for my girlfriends.) And he had a lot of descendants, including me, the most important one. Here are some other important descendants:
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In conclusion: Egghis Khan is my hero, and I am related to some weirdos5. I expect you all to refer to me by my new, ancestrally-correct name, Mascot Khan.
1 Mongol. He refused to believe it was a word.
2 Or air to breathe.
3 “Surprises” meaning “Surprise! You’re going to have my baby in 9 months!”
4 He is convinced that Star Trek is a documentary, and nothing I say will convince him otherwise.
5 He’s only related to some weirdos. Riiiiight.
Once we get enough money, we’re making the movie “Black Eggs Can’t Mate” (click image for full size):
Synopsis: Chess hustlers make a living by winning bets off neighborhood games. Chess Expert Albert Chan (played by Egg Fu Yung) thinks he can be the best hustler in the ‘hood. But he’s fresh off the boat, and is having a tough start in a new country.
Albert stumbles upon struggling rapper Tyronez Bonez (played by Mr. E) and discovers a latent chess talent. The unlikely duo strike it rich on the chess hustling scene, because no one thinks black guys can play chess.
But when the National Bughouse Tournament comes to town, ghosts from the past threaten to destroy Albert and Tyronez. Will our chess hustler heroes thwart the plans of pasty white CEO Lars Melville (played by the Mascot)? Can they hang with those blasted Russian Grandmasters?
So there was this Dutch guy named Vincent van Gogh. He was some sort of artist who did some Post-Impressionist stuff.
When he was 5, his classmates made fun of him for having names with the number of letters being prime numbers (Vincent = 7, van = 3, Gogh = 4). Except they didn’t realize 4 wasn’t a prime number. Even when van Gogh found out later, it didn’t help; the incident scarred him for life. He was officially diagnosed with primenumberphobia (I forgot the technical term).
At first he and another famous artist, Paul Gauguin, became friends. But Van Gogh was afraid another artist would steal his claim to fame, having two “G”‘s in his last name. So Van Gogh attacked Gauguin with a Norelco electric shaver, but comically slipped on a banana peel and cut off his own ear instead.
When he was 37 years old, his phobia of prime numbers finally overwhelmed him. He realized he was going to survive into the 1900′s if he didn’t do something (remember, 19 is a prime number). So he stabbed himself with 2 butter knives on July 29 (that’s 7/29. 2, 7, and 29 are all prime numbers. So is 37. Freaky, huh?)
So this guy was a freak, but I don’t think all Dutch are freaks, so don’t worry. I reserve those feelings for the Québécois.
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