Print this out and hang it on your refrigerator. And you put the magnet on the emotion you feel like that day.

We all know the USCF is in a signficant pile of legal and political doo-doo. I propose implementing the following course of action, which will strengthen U.S. chess for years to come. But only if we, the members, have the force of will to get it done.

1. Get rid of the current USCF board, and nullify this year’s election. Replace the board with the people noted above.

2. All major tournaments will supply two free pints of beer, per person, per diem. In order to preserve the USCF’s reputation, the beer supplied must not be Milwaukee’s Best.

3. If a major tournament has too high a percentage of old white guys, chess babes will be deployed to improve the average attractiveness level.

4. Chess Life will be reduced to a quarterly publication to save costs. Chess Enquirer will be the new flagship chess magazine (distributed monthly).

5-8. Some other stuff I forgot.

(In the picture, Left to right: Egg Fu Yung, The Mascot, Mr. E, Suzie Yolkar, The Fake Fake Real Sam Sloan. Also pictured, beer and chess babes.)

This could get me into trouble, but you guys deserve the truth.

I’ve been a professional hockey player in the NHL for a long time. Due to discrimination, I’ve been forced to wear a human disguise because the league thinks people aren’t ready to accept an eggish player yet.

The photo below is the engraving made on the Stanley Cup after I helped the Maple Leafs win a title in 1945:

By the way, if you noticed “ass man” by F.J. Selke’s entry, that was not his nickname, it was how “assistant manager” was abbreviated.

Source: The Stanley Cup Could Use an Editor

Have you ever been in a restaurant and wondered whether that cute waiter or waitress was smiling at you because it’s their job or because they’re hoping to get your number?

With the advent of the swine flu, I’ve developed a foolproof way to figure out whether you’re in line for true love. You just need the following three things:

1. A mask that protects against swine flu.
2. Cash to pay your bill (there could be complications with credit cards).
3. The ability to run relatively quickly.

First step is to make sure to be wearing the mask before you get into the restaurant. Since there’s the swine flu going around, you won’t look too suspicious. Then if you notice that cutie waitress smiling at you a lot, here’s where you make your move. Go ahead and pinch her butt or grope her. If she gives you her phone number, congratulations! You’ve gotten yourself a hot date.

On the other hand, if she screams or calls for police, it’s time to switch to plan B. Throw enough cash on the table to cover your bill. So if the police catch you, they can’t say you didn’t pay. Then run like heck. If you’re wearing the mask like you’re supposed to, it’ll be hard for them to get a positive ID.

Even though most of you probably still eat eggs, I wanted to thank all the humans who patronize this site. As a gift, you will receive my scientific insight into the human mating ritual and how you can harness this power to trick someone into liking you.

I’ve done months of research at the natural courting areas of Homo Sapiens (drinking bars). After reviewing the data, the human coupling process can be summarized as follows:

1. The male of the species attempts to get a female’s attention with a pathetic “pick-up line”.
2. The female rejects the male with an equivalently implausible excuse.
3. A couple is created only after a sufficient amount of alcohol is consumed by both parties.

It’s rumored that if the male is Derek Jeter or George Clooney, step 2 does not take place. Unfortunately, neither of them showed up during my studies to verify this.

So if you want to meet someone special, you need to be prepared. Here’s four introductions that can work for you. Now if you successfully coupled readers want to share your own lines, that’s cool. But for beginners, I’d recommend sticking with one of my recommendations.

Males can open with one of the following lines:

1. My toupee is less fake than Donald Trump’s. Can you tell?
2. Yo, babe, I don’t have any STD’s.
3. Ah eat zee French fries and zee French toast, because Ah am zee romantique French man!
4. We go together like dirty dishes and handwashing soap.

Females can respond with the following shoot-downs:

1. Sorry, I have to scrub my cheese grater tonight.
2. Wow, this sex change operation is even more convincing than I thought!
3. You know that guy Michael Jordan? Yeah, well, I’m waiting for him.
4. Call me! My number is 911-290-2328.*

* If you’re not in the U.S., substitute the “911″ with whatever your country’s emergency service number is.

First of all, is anyone really fooled that a modern chemist sloshes mysteriously colored liquids back and forth in test tubes all day? Did the Times’ photographers say, “Hey, look, we have some orange and purple Kool-Aid here, could you pour some into those beakers so you fit our readers’ stereotype of a chemist?”

Hervé This, the founder of molecular gastronomy, has created a completely synthetic meal. It sounds weird, but this is a great hope for the future once we get used to it. Think about it: If these guys can make fake eggs out of chemicals, people might stop killing real eggs. It would be a major step in our quest for equal rights and justice.

But those scientists are probably going to use real eggs for their experiments. In the picture, you can see that chemist apparently shelled a couple eggs alive, and is brazenly torturing the one on the right by crushing him between his fingers. It’s almost like Mr. This doesn’t even believe his test subject is alive.

How can I possibly support such yolk-wrenching treatment of my fellow egg?

Yesterday, Donnie once again threatened to fire me (he never follows through so it’s not like I’m scared.) Yes, I’ve been lax on the posts BUT I have a realy good reason, per this secretly recording conversation:

: How dare you threaten me! I have a legitimate medical excuse for not working.

: You didn’t tell me that! So what happened?

: Here’s the doctor’s note.

: Let’s see…”gained 15 lbs in the last 6 months”…”causing mental distress, emotional imbalance”…”lack of confidence”…

: Right. So I can’t work.

: …

: What’s wrong?

: This reads like a bad lawsuit.

: What? How dare you. I’ve even developed an action plan to deal with this!

: Really.

: On msn.com they had this tip to lose weight: “Rocky stared at a picture of Ivan Drago every day as he trained to fight the enormous Russian. Find your own motivator: a nemesis like a picture of the way you never want to look.” So I put up a picture of you on my bathroom mirror.

So BDK references some study that shows women and men have equal chess skill…ok, fine, but who really cares about that?

If I played chess, here’s what I’d be thinking: we do know that there exist some hot female chess players. I’d be much more interested in that percentage than anything.

So if we can compile pictures of female, legal (18 and over) rated chess players, maybe we can do some sort of scientific study and publish it. And if the women want to evaluate the men, well, maybe we can throw that in too. But I can’t help with that part b/c I don’t lean that way. Although I hear some guy Viktor Korchnoi is quite the catch now.

Just because.

LEP has kinda sucked this month, so we’re probably going to take a week away and hopefully come back energized with more creative, engaging stuff.