Dino Mom is trying to win something called the Mobbies. So if you want her to win, click on that button below. But if you’re like me and think she’s a boring narcissist, you should vote for someone else.

This death was completely preventable if Hanken had just invested $28.30 on a pair of Alex Chiu’s immortality rings.

Just kidding. We don’t have any sex advice. But this will probably get a lot of pageviews! And pageviews are good for boosting ad revenue (I’m trying to convince Donnie to let me try to post ads to make some money.)

…he can take one of those anti-theft shopping carts beyond the yellow line.

(He’s too modest to put this up, so I have to post it.)

Blunderprone’s history of chess series is great, but he doesn’t have a post dedicated to Paul Morphy. So I’ll do it.

Paul Morphy is called “the Pride and Sorrow of Chess”. He was an unofficial World Champion for a while because they didn’t have official World Champions. Then he retired because he was too good. And according to many sources, he died from a stroke while taking a cold bath.

At least, that’s what we’ve been told. And if you’re OK with listening to “The Establishment”, then that is good enough for you.

But I did more research, and now you’ll get “the rest of the story”.

When Bobby Fischer became World Champion in 1972, he thought he was the best American chess player ever. Then in April 1973, he heard about this Morphy guy. In a jealous rage, he was determined to make sure no one thought Morphy was as good as him. So he learned how to time travel and confronted his fellow American chess genius in 1858. Fischer stabbed Morphy in the stomach, making sure to do non-fatally (see picture), and said “If you don’t retire from chess, I’ll finish the job.” So that’s why Morphy retired.

Unsatisfied, Fischer decided to finish the job. A few months later, he time-traveled to 1884 and force-fed Morphy a McRib sandwich. As Fischer calculated, the shock and revulsion at the low standards of the McRib stunned Morphy’s brain, causing the fatal stroke.

But Fischer’s time traveling caused him to become crazy. So that’s why he didn’t defend his title and became rabidly anti-Semitic.

Flashbacks (for you new people):

Great moments in history #4
Great moments in history #3
Great moments in history #2
Great moments in history #1

That picture is of the great seer Mascotdamus who lived back in the 1500’s. (Yes, my parents named me after him.) He made all these prophecies in the form of “quatrains”, four-line poems. He was in competition with some human named Nostradamus, but while Nostradamus has been pretty much debunked, no one seems to have challenged Mascotdamus. Here are some of the few that have been translated from Eggish to English:

Half and half, this is a leader
Not how one augments morning drink.
He is limited by his birthright.
Half and half is the support of his people.

This is obviously talking about Obama, how he is half-white/half-black, and his approval rating is about 50%. The morning drink part was to make sure no one confused the “half and half” with the stuff you put in coffee. Compared with that poser Nostradamus, Mascotdamus was very specific.

The northern men were always strong
Until the scarlet-clad rose in anger
And won four victories
Before the north drank from a new goblet.

Amazingly, Mascotdamus even made predictions about Major League Baseball! The Red Sox will win two more World Series while George Steinbrenner owns the Yankees (”the northern men”). And a goblet is a type of cup, and so is a stein. So drinking from a new goblet means the younger Steinbrenner will take over.

One of my own name
From a land of milk and grain
Will use the universal flame.
If [he is] not heeded, there will be needless death.

I was named after him and I was born near Battle Creek, Michigan. That’s where Kellogg’s is located (they make cereal, and you pour milk on cereal.) So the prophecy refers to me. And the universal flame must be the Internet, because everyone can access it. So if you don’t do what I say, you’re all going to die.

Hey, guys! My marketers told me I need to get a new placemat for my restauarant (I own the national fast food chain McMascot’s, in case you didn’t know already.) So this is what I came up with, let me know if it is good enough. Thanks.

(Click on it to make it big.)

(Editor’s OOC note: I will so regret having posted this in the morning.)

Even though you’ve seen pictures of me, Mr. E, and Egg Fu Yung, admit it. Most of you don’t really think eggs are sentient. But most people seem to believe that chickens are sentient (I don’t understand the difference, but whatever.)

So maybe this SHOCKING report from the AP will SHOCK you into avoiding eating eggs: the egg industry kills 200 million male chicks a year. (”Male chicks” as in male baby chickens, not hot babes that are really guys.)

They use a process called “instantaneous euthanasia”: male chicks are dropped alive into grinding machines. I suppose this does kill them right quick. But when you go out on a Friday night, do you say to your friends “Hey, let’s find a conveyor belt that will throw us into a grinding machine?” At least, when you’re not drunk. No, right? It doesn’t sound like fun.

Why do they do this? Because the males are not “profitable”–they can’t manufacture eggs, and they aren’t good enough for meat. It’s kinda a reverse sexism.

So the lesson? DON’T EAT EGGS, unless you are a sadist or sexist or sexist sadist.

Source: AP Exclusive: Video shows chicks ground up alive

Natalia Pogonina and me hooking up. Visit her at pogonina.com!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what I’m trying to get through Donnie’s thick skull. He posts this strange article about chess dice. Meanwhile, I’m finding out about the hot female chess players and where you can find them on the web.

This is the kind of stuff you guys really care about. Natalia Pogonina. Hmmm. She’s hot.

Because “management” said this post can’t just be bunch of her pictures, I have to type some stuff. Like mention she’s over 2500 FIDE (whatever that means) and #14 rated female player in the world. And she’s got a few polls on her site. Like this one:

I think they forgot the last choice, so I added it in manually. I sent them an e-mail letting them know, so maybe it will be fixed by the time you see it.

But this poll question I think is very relevant and important:

Now, I don’t go to chess tournaments. But I asked Donnie about the type of chicks you can meet there. He said they are usually either in school, or the moms of the kids. So then I asked if he meant high school or elementary school. He said usually elementary or middle school. So that meant once in a while, a high schooler, right? He said yes, but they are still underage.

So, for me, the whole “practicing sex” thing wouldn’t be lack of desire so much as lack of opportunity.

But if Natalia Pogonina’s there? Yeah, I’ll be like “Hey, babe, I could use the practice!” (not that I need the practice, of course, I’m already so good at it.) Meanwhile, all those stuffy white guys will be too busy studying the Gohraveinchezhumuzhicz Opening to even notice her.