Hey, everybody, lookit. I sat on the copier and photocopied my butt! Har har har har har har! (Annie gave me this idea, you know.)

Hey people, I’m starting this feature called “Dear Mascot”. You can write me, and I might answer your email on the blog. Write me at themascot -AT- liquideggproduct.com

Here’s our first one*:

Dear Mascot,

N.N.

Dear N.N.,

It’s not as easy as it looks. And you spelled doofus wrong. Idiut.

The Mascot

Screenshot from the recent chess world championship’s official website. The “ass. prof.”‘s last name is also strangely appropriate.

Have you seen that TV show Man vs. Wild? Well, I made my own survival show, Egg vs. Wild. It’s sort of like that other one, except better, because I’m much more manly than Bear Grylls.

(Click on the image to watch the episode.)

Liquid Egg Product would like to congratulate Viswanathan “Fashionably Late” Anand on his victory over Veselin “The Bulgarian Jerk” Topalov.

Not that we really care.

In this issue:

* Steinitz Escapes From Hell!: Epic century-long match with Prince of Darkness lets him win back his soul! (FIDE President Ilyumzhinov emphasizes match not officially sanctioned: “Steinitz will have to qualify for the World Championship just like everyone else.”)

* Alexandra Kosteniuk caught in gay scandal! (say sources)

* Expert too modest to admit he’s drawn IM’s

* Mayan Calendar Shocker: Blackmar-Diemar Gambit will become a viable opening in 2012!

Prior Chess Enquirers:
January 2010
June 2008

Happy Cinco de Mayo, amigos! This is that holiday Mexicans celebrate by making bread out of skeletons. I think.

Anyway, to celebrate, we officially hired our first Hispanic egg, Shelly Rodriguez:

And she’s female! You can tell because she’s wearing a skirt. And we needed to hire a female. Because of Title IX, or something like that.

¡Hola, comprades! Soy El Mascot y soy el huevo más guapo e inteligente en todo el mundo.

Los huevos de Producto de Huevo Líquido quieren hacer más para la comunidad hispana. Aunque inglés es nuestra lengua primera, sabemos hay mucha gente en los Estados Unidos que hable el español. Así vamos a discutir temas importantes para hispanos. Por ejemplo donde colocarse alrededor de Home Depot en sábados para obtener trabajo. O cómo escaparse de Cuba.

¡Somos mariachis también!

So this guy General Custer gets all the blame for getting his butt kicked by Indians. But historians tend to ignore the brilliant Indian strategy that disabled Custer’s army.

You see, while the US Army dressed in full uniforms, the Native Americans wore loincloths that showed off their lean, muscular bodies. As the sweat glistened off the Indians’ perfectly formed pecs, Custer’s soldiers realized how homoerotic the battle would look in a movie. The Indians closed in on the nervous US army. Custer’s troops shifted uncomfortably as the definition of their enemies’ toned, taut thighs became more obvious.

The soldiers couldn’t stop focusing on the Indians’ chiseled six-packs, and were completely incapable of firing their weapons. The discomfiture of the US troops led to their annihilation (see General Custer’s death in the picture)

Over 100 years later, the US Army took a page from the Native Americans’ playbook. In 1991, just before the war over Kuwait, the US sent the entire Iraqi army a copy of the movie Top Gun. The conservative Iraqi troops were so disturbed by the latent homoeroticism in the movie, they completely lost cohesiveness as a fighting force.

In this month’s magazine:

Shocking KGB leak reveals: Russian lab clones two-headed chess master. Putin told scientists: “Get the chess championship back from that Indian!”

Gata Kamsky caught in gay scandal! (say sources)

The Silman – Nostradamus connection: how you can prepare for Armageddon

Chess Enquirer contest: Can you look nerdier than Kramnik?