Blue Devil Knight has decided to start blogging again instead of taking care of his daughter. He’s calling for a Chess Improvement Blog Carnival. Here’s my submission.

There’s a somewhat famous book called “How to Beat Your Dad at Chess”. That’s all well and good, but the book covers too small of a niche. It’s useless for people like me, whose dad doesn’t even play chess. Or Luke Skywalker, who refuses to acknowledge he has a dad.

But most of us do play women at least once in a while. Like a few years ago in one of the Tournament of Lepers, chess blogger Polly crushed me in a match. And to be honest, I still need some stiff Jamaican rum to drink away the pain of that defeat. So I developed this 4-step program on how to beat women at chess.

My research revealed a great surprise: it turns out that women are people, too. Losing to that female 1400 drops you just as many rating points as losing to that male 1400. Here are some tips on how to deal with them:

1. Focus

When you’re sitting at the chessboard, your eyes should be directed towards those black and white things on the table. If your eyes are wandering anywhere above that level, you’re doing it wrong.

Sometimes, women will try to trick you by wearing a black and white shirt with the top few buttons undone. Don’t be fooled.

2. Do not redefine “center control”

Repeat this mantra, and repeat it again. “The center” refers to the squares d4, e4, d5 and e5. It does not mean what you want it to mean, even against Arianne Caoili.

3. Women can be emotional

See, there’s this thing called PMS. If you only play them during “that time of month”, females will be more likely to play emotionally than logically, increasing your winning changes.

If you do start to lose, tick them off by offering a draw every two or three moves. This will further increase any emotional imbalance already present.

4. Did I mention that women are people, too?

Bobby Fischer’s nugget of wisdom notwithstanding, playing a woman does not mean an auto-win.

It’s said that we dream every night, but simply don’t remember them. I don’t know how true that is, but last night I had two dreams that I could easily recall. Whether that’s because of going to bed 2 hours earlier than normal, or reading the Tel’aran’rhiod chapter in the Dragon Reborn (it’s about a World of Dreams), who knows.

Anyway, here they are:

Dream #1

In a classroom, there were about 25 of us listening to a lecture by Martin Gardner, who was well-known for his recreational mathematics writing.

The topic had something to do with finding certain types of solids that could have integral values for their sides, akin to finding integral solutions to the Pythagorean equation. At some juncture, I pointed out some error he made while using an irregular solid as an example. He thanked me and I felt rather proud (even though the error was trivial).

During the lecture, somehow I realized it was February 1979, so I must have traveled back in time.

Despite not knowing what Gardner looked like, in the dream he basically looked like himself without the glasses. And maybe a bit more hair.

After the lecture, most the students gathered in a circle and started chatting. I had a suspicion that some of them were also time travelers, but didn’t want to tip off non-time travelers in case that had dire consequences. So I simply asked if anyone else was a “Traveler” (about 8 or 10 people raised their hands).

Someone also brought up World of Warcraft and talked about the first expansion. Not the actual first expansion, but some expansion invented in the dream, which had a Final Fantasy 5 Bomb pictured on the CD cover (?????)

Eventually, everyone packed up to leave. But I realized I didn’t know how to get back to my own time, and was hoping to tag along with the others. But they all left quickly and it took me FOREVER to pack. Fortunately, Gardner realized that I was a time traveler. He told me I just needed to keep going and I’d find the right guide, or something like that. I didn’t understand and tried to ask for clarification, but whenever I looked at him, he faded further into a brown mist and grew fainter. There was no choice but to move on.

Wandering through a hall, I couldn’t find the guide Gardner was talking about, and eventually wandered into a supermarket. I started to think about what would happen if I were stuck in this time period. My ATM card wouldn’t work. The cash I did have was from the 21st century, so that was bad. I thought about going to see my parents, which would include my dad in an afro. But I didn’t even know what state I was in, so that wasn’t an option.

Then I woke up.

Dream #2

If you don’t want to experience a somewhat disturbing mental image, please stop reading now.

Understand this is really for the 4 or 5 readers who are entertained by this kind of thing.

You probably aren’t one of them.

OK, I warned you.

The scene starts at the Griffins’ house. As in, the Griffin family from Family Guy. Lois and I start making out in the kitchen. Peter ambles by, and doesn’t seem to care in the least. Even so, I tell Lois we should go back to my place. Which is a house next door that we are teleported into.

From the inside, it seems to be a one-room log cabin with a bed and sparse furnishings. She climbs on top of me, and we start having sex. I look up, and Stewie is there in a blue diaper, yelling and all ticked off. I get up and tell Lois we really need to do this somewhere else, but she doesn’t seem aware of the danger.

Lois Griffin is so hot, she’s made me watch all of 6 episodes.

Even though my Mascot ’08 presidential campaign was a complete failure, that doesn’t mean I’ve lost interest in politics.

A while back, we took an in-depth look into Elena Kagan, and I was able to determine she was a viable Supreme Court candidate due to her assets.

I was trying to do similar research into the Tea Party darling, Christine O’Donnell. Unfortunately, I have not been able to find a, er, complete overview, maybe because she has cankles.

But I don’t want to jump to conclusions. If any of you Dear Readers do manage to find any Christine O’Donnell leg shots, just let me know. Because I have nothing but the utmost respect for females in power.

Starcraft 2 was released today. How many game widows is this going to create?

Does anyone else think Kerrigan is depicted far too attractively for someone who’s been turned into a Zerg? I mean, look at the Infested Terrans; I can’t imagine any woman saying, “Yeah, I’d like to get some of that.” But in this picture, Kerrigan’s practically wearing stilettos and has perfectly formed legs and butt.

(Incidentally, if I completely stop blogging, cut off all outside communication, lose my job, and can be found huddling by a local Chick-Fil-A to take advantage their free Wi-Fi…you know why.)

Hey, people, take a look at the best clock in the world: bijin-tokei.

Would Elena Kagan be the hottest Supreme Court justice ever? Get a load of her legs:

It seems to me that the primary objection to her being a Supreme Court justice would be that she’d be distracting to the male judges. But they’re pretty old, so it’s not like they’d be able to see. And even if they could see, they’re probably out of testosterone. So, I don’t think there’s a problem.

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It’s very important for the face of an organization to appeal to the widest audience possible. That’s why me, the Mascot, is the face of Liquid Egg Product.

Sun-Maid has that girl on their boxes of raisins. And she’s alright; she has the whole “farming grapes” thing going. But it’s kinda hard to tell she’s a girl except for a long hair. In fact when I was a kid, I thought she was a male hippie.

So the Sun-Maid company wised up and finally ponied up some money for some breast implants. Check out the difference:

Would you believe there’s all these people complaining about it? I don’t get what the problem is. Don’t people like looking at big boobs? I know I like big boobs.

“How good I look at age 38 because I used Immortality Rings and Gorgeouspil”

“How gorgeous Alex Chiu is at age 38 AlexChiu.com (2009)”

Natalia Pogonina and me hooking up. Visit her at pogonina.com!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what I’m trying to get through Donnie’s thick skull. He posts this strange article about chess dice. Meanwhile, I’m finding out about the hot female chess players and where you can find them on the web.

This is the kind of stuff you guys really care about. Natalia Pogonina. Hmmm. She’s hot.

Because “management” said this post can’t just be bunch of her pictures, I have to type some stuff. Like mention she’s over 2500 FIDE (whatever that means) and #14 rated female player in the world. And she’s got a few polls on her site. Like this one:

I think they forgot the last choice, so I added it in manually. I sent them an e-mail letting them know, so maybe it will be fixed by the time you see it.

But this poll question I think is very relevant and important:

Now, I don’t go to chess tournaments. But I asked Donnie about the type of chicks you can meet there. He said they are usually either in school, or the moms of the kids. So then I asked if he meant high school or elementary school. He said usually elementary or middle school. So that meant once in a while, a high schooler, right? He said yes, but they are still underage.

So, for me, the whole “practicing sex” thing wouldn’t be lack of desire so much as lack of opportunity.

But if Natalia Pogonina’s there? Yeah, I’ll be like “Hey, babe, I could use the practice!” (not that I need the practice, of course, I’m already so good at it.) Meanwhile, all those stuffy white guys will be too busy studying the Gohraveinchezhumuzhicz Opening to even notice her.

OK, so I had a disagreement with a friend concerning the relative attractiveness of these two famous ladies. What do you think?

Nancy Grace	Sarah Jessica Parker

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