The desperation is real

So I’m in Miami on business. I get this ad:

A vote for Kasich or Cruz = A vote for Trump (Rubio's in there somewhere, right?)

You get a quick glance at it as you’re browsing the internet. Who does it want you to vote for?

1. Trump is smiling, in full color. His picture gets the most retail space. The others are in grey-scale. Smells like a Trump ad!

2. “Kasich” and “Cruz” are the first names you see. But Trump’s name is the biggest. Surely, it’s a Trump ad.

3. In fact, “A VOTE FOR TRUMP” is the most prominent text. Must be a Trump ad!

4. Your eye is drawn to Trump’s color photo with the bright red “SEE WHY” just below him. They want you to “see why” you should vote for Trump!

This feels like a Trump ad that didn’t even deign to mention the increasingly irrelevant Rubio.

Of course, if you bother to read it, you might figure out it IS a friggin’ Marco Rubio ad. Naturally, Rubio’s face is nowhere to be seen, even though his relative attractiveness would be an advantage. And his name is in a smaller, harder-to-read font. Even the little lens flare interrupts the flow of “Marco Rubio for president”.

I’d bet $20 this ad was the brain-child of a couple middle-aged men, one of whom happened to have a teenage son who can dabble with Photoshop a bit.

Coming soon: an Election 2016 roundtable with the Eggs!

Getting stoned

So the Mascot is back and he’s going to be doing his thing. Whatever. Guess I should attempt to entertain as well. And get the theme fixed so all the sidebar stuff shows up again.

Anyway, here’s a perfectly placed advertisement from 8 years ago.


The AFA considers the Grinch Christmas-friendly

The amount of foolishness that emanates from American Christianity never ceases. Or ceases to amaze.

The AFA (American Family Association) is zealously guarding the Christmas season, convinced that saying “holiday” instead of “Christmas” is leading people away from Christ.

They’ve taken the time to compile a list of companies that use the word “Christmas” in their seasonal advertising.

If the Grinch were on this list, he’d be in the green section. He used the word “Christmas” all the time.


Those targeted ads are getting more effective all the time

A full body dryer and a pumpkin tap. They sure know how to read my mind.

body dryer and pumpkin tap

I wonder how those body driers work. We’re probably all familiar with those hand driers in public restrooms, which all rely on the same routine:

1. Press the button.
2. Rub hands in the stream of hot air.
3. Wipe hands on pants.

But if you’re walking out of the shower, you presumably aren’t wearing any clothes. So what are you supposed to wipe your body against? This is kind of confusing.

Mr. E’s PX-9000 Full Body Workout!

Yo, tools! Is your body a lump o’ fat, like most Americans? Don’t wanna get pitied anymore? Exclusive on Liquid Egg Product, starting April 1, I’m gonna give some free previews of my personal fitness program, PX-9000!!!! (Imagine me yellin’ that loud, you KNOW that’s intimidatin’!)

Mr. E's PX-9000 Full Body Workout!

It’s my PERSONAL guarantee, that in just 9000 hours of PX-9000 training, you’ll be ripped…or you’ll be DEAD! Even if I have to kill you myself!

No expensive “protein” drinks! Not like you Americans don’t get enough protein from your fatburgers and pepperoni pizzas. Just good ol’ fashioned exercise! Minimal equipment! Just figure out how much you can bench press to know the right level for you!

px9000 level

If Hollywood can do “Battleship”, I have every right to do “Jenga”

I am not the only one baffled by the choice to base a movie on the classic board game “Battleship”.

Granted, there are any number of movies that are worse than listening to two opponents utter “B2. Miss! J4. Hit!” back and forth to each other (oh hai, The Room!) But at least garbage like The Last Airbender had reasonable source material to start with.

If they wanted to make a movie based on a board game, maybe “Clue” would have made more sense. At least there are actual people with implied personalities.

But they chose Battleship.


If they can do that, I can take 5 minutes and invent a plot for a Jenga movie:

Famous real estate mogul Donna Truong has been given rights to build the tallest skyscraper in New York. But evil Russian oligarch Viktor Karpov has bribed the city government into letting him build one even taller! After Truong’s 1900 ft behemoth is completed, Karpov finishes his with one extra floor, putting his at 1915 ft.

Due to a worldwide shortage of all metals and building materials, Truong cannot procure more building materials to add to her skyscraper. So she decides to rip out 1/3 of the second floor, and put it on top! Infuriated, Karpov does the same. As chunks of skyscraper are ripped out to make them taller, the structures become more and more unstable. Whose skyscraper will come crashing down first?

Chuck Norris

It’s amazing that Era laundry detergent, World of Warcraft and others put out Chuck Norris commercials, many months after the meme peaked. It only makes them look like they know that they should be hip without actually knowing how to do it.

For what it’s worth, Chuck Norris thought Chuck Norris jokes were passé before they even existed.