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Preparing for when Beijing takes over in 2025
"Don't get me wrong, everything the media writes is not wrong. But I'd say 99 percent of it is wrong, in my opinion, but I don't read the newspaper, so I don't know. I hear things, though."
-- R.W. McQuarters

It’s Bad Movie Night. Ho, ho, oh….

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Thankfully, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians stars John Call
Thankfully, the movie stars John Call. Otherwise, it might have sucked.
Santa sets a good example by smoking a cigar
Ho, ho, ho! Santa smokes, and so should you!

Why should you watch it?

  • Plenty of stock footage of the US Air Force
  • The dubbing’s better than in Mafia vs Ninja
  • Understand why this movie is Guantanamo-approved

If you’re looking for a Santa who kicks Martian butt with his toys, this a’int it. He gets innocent children to do that (seriously). The only way Santa could kill any Martians is to give them lung cancer from his cigar smoking.

There’s a character named “Winky the Elf”. Kids on Mars can get reception for TV programs on Earth. The evil villain has a thick mustache. Martians also speak English and eat chocolate, bananas, and hamburgers. I don’t want to spend more time writing about this. I’m IM’ing friends to recover IQ right now. Here are some screenshots with pithy captions. (And you can click on them for a larger size!)

SCCtM’s convincing polar bear
I’m absolutely convinced this is not a man in a polar bear suit…
SCCtM’s convincing robot
…and that this is not a man in a cardboard box with fake dials painted on
SCCtM:  space ship
That’s a spaceship going through space. Allegedly.
It’s a good thing they skimped on the speling, too.
They probably caught this mistake, but didn’t have the budget to redo it.
The one on the left is hamburger
The one on the left is Martian hamburger.
Howard C. Forman’s off the hook.  I want to punch this guy in the face.
It would be merrier watching Santa With Muscles instead.

August 11th, 2007 3 comments
Posted by Donnie Filed under Bad Movie Night

Tao Mao, it’s bad movie night!

Mafia vs. Ninja

Thank you, Anthony Cardoza!Mafia vs Ninja.  No mistaking it.

Why should you watch it?

  • To find out why the Mafia are the good guys
  • Watch “Mick Jagger” throw knives and do kung-fu
  • Tao Mao!*

Guy 1 walks down an alley minding his own business (shirt open for beefcake factor). Guy 2 walks up behind him and slugs him in the back with a 2×4 bamboo pole. Start uptempo music.

Guy 1: “My friend, what are you doing?”
Guy 2: “You wanna know? I’m gonna kill you, bastard!”

Yes, that’s how the movie starts. It doesn’t get better.

Guy 2 (Charlie Wu) wanted to beat up the guy who raped women in that alley. Guy 1 (Jack Do) happened to be the first man walking down the alley so Charlie, using his critical thinking skills, figured Jack must be the rapist. After winning the fight, Jack says, “You’re wrong. I’ve raped no women,” which Charlie accepts as irrefutable proof of innocence.

Jack Do is so rock!
Jack Do’s suspenders were more effective than Charlie Wu

They quickly become friends, and find jobs as poopsmiths. We quickly find out Jack Do is the hero who has to do all the fighting. Charlie Wu is patently ineffective until one fight in the middle of the movie. He somehow defeats 5 ninjas by himself, and promptly returns to his inept self afterward.

Action, not storyline, is the point of this movie. This explains how the Mafia are the good guys: the Mafia and the Ninja both deal in gambling and prostitution. However, unlike the insidious Ninja, the Mafia draw the line at drugs.

Tao Mao, you tried to kill me!
Tao Mao is the greatest character of all time
Mafia vs Ninja:  Mick Jagger
Mick Jagger’s mellowed out a bit since starring in Mafia vs. Ninja

You’ll also see “Mr. Jones, from the States” (a black kickboxer), lots of obvious strings, a lovemaking scene sans nudity, and a bunch of other stuff that makes no sense.

MINOR SPOILER: The movie didn’t end any better. The last line was something like “Too bad I had to kill my girlfriend. Let’s go home.”


* Other sources have “Tong Mao” or “To Mau”, but “Tao Mao” looks so much more poetic.

August 4th, 2007 4 comments
Posted by Donnie Filed under Bad Movie Night