Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Thankfully, the movie stars John Call. Otherwise, it might have sucked.
Ho, ho, ho! Santa smokes, and so should you!
Why should you watch it?
- Plenty of stock footage of the US Air Force
- The dubbing’s better than in Mafia vs Ninja
- Understand why this movie is Guantanamo-approved
If you’re looking for a Santa who kicks Martian butt with his toys, this a’int it. He gets innocent children to do that (seriously). The only way Santa could kill any Martians is to give them lung cancer from his cigar smoking.
There’s a character named “Winky the Elf”. Kids on Mars can get reception for TV programs on Earth. The evil villain has a thick mustache. Martians also speak English and eat chocolate, bananas, and hamburgers. I don’t want to spend more time writing about this. I’m IM’ing friends to recover IQ right now. Here are some screenshots with pithy captions. (And you can click on them for a larger size!)
I’m absolutely convinced this is not a man in a polar bear suit…
…and that this is not a man in a cardboard box with fake dials painted on
That’s a spaceship going through space. Allegedly.
They probably caught this mistake, but didn’t have the budget to redo it.
The one on the left is Martian hamburger.
It would be merrier watching Santa With Muscles instead.
August 11th, 2007
3 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Bad Movie Night
Mafia vs. Ninja
Why should you watch it?
- To find out why the Mafia are the good guys
- Watch “Mick Jagger” throw knives and do kung-fu
- Tao Mao!*
Guy 1 walks down an alley minding his own business (shirt open for beefcake factor). Guy 2 walks up behind him and slugs him in the back with a 2×4 bamboo pole. Start uptempo music.
Guy 1: “My friend, what are you doing?”
Guy 2: “You wanna know? I’m gonna kill you, bastard!”
Yes, that’s how the movie starts. It doesn’t get better.
Guy 2 (Charlie Wu) wanted to beat up the guy who raped women in that alley. Guy 1 (Jack Do) happened to be the first man walking down the alley so Charlie, using his critical thinking skills, figured Jack must be the rapist. After winning the fight, Jack says, “You’re wrong. I’ve raped no women,” which Charlie accepts as irrefutable proof of innocence.
Jack Do’s suspenders were more effective than Charlie WuThey quickly become friends, and find jobs as poopsmiths. We quickly find out Jack Do is the hero who has to do all the fighting. Charlie Wu is patently ineffective until one fight in the middle of the movie. He somehow defeats 5 ninjas by himself, and promptly returns to his inept self afterward.
Action, not storyline, is the point of this movie. This explains how the Mafia are the good guys: the Mafia and the Ninja both deal in gambling and prostitution. However, unlike the insidious Ninja, the Mafia draw the line at drugs.
Tao Mao is the greatest character of all time
Mick Jagger’s mellowed out a bit since starring in Mafia vs. Ninja
You’ll also see “Mr. Jones, from the States” (a black kickboxer), lots of obvious strings, a lovemaking scene sans nudity, and a bunch of other stuff that makes no sense.
MINOR SPOILER: The movie didn’t end any better. The last line was something like “Too bad I had to kill my girlfriend. Let’s go home.”
August 4th, 2007
4 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Bad Movie Night
