Liquid Egg Product Christmas, Part I
Thanks to “Construction Bob” for reminding me why I don’t sing Christmas carols…
(Make sure to at least listen to the 1:00 mark…)
Begging your forgiveness
Liquid Egg Product’s M.O. is the unusual, inane, silly, and funny (except maybe for the chess stuff). After some thought, I realized the last post satisfied none of those conditions.
However, I have no energy to get a decent post up today. So, presenting for your consideration…the Meaty Cheesy Boys.
Unsatisfied with Earth, scientists move on to destroying the universe
“Scientists will always look for answers.”
“Maybe they shouldn’t ask so many questions!”
Maybe Brooklyn from Sakura Killers had it right. (Apologies for the allusion only 3 or 4 of my readers understand.)
A couple of cosmologists are blaming human observation of dark matter for possibly shortening the lifespan of the universe:
“The intriguing question is this,” Prof Krauss told the Telegraph. “If we attempt to apply quantum mechanics to the universe as a whole, and if our present state is unstable, then what sets the clock that governs decay? Once we determine our current state by observations, have we reset the clock? If so, as incredible as it may seem, our detection of dark energy may have reduced the life expectancy of our universe.”
So the problem here is that we’re pretty much guaranteed that instead of maybe having great-great-great-great-great-great-great-(x5 million)-grandkids, we’ll only get great-great-great-great-great-great-great-(x4.5 million)-grandkids?
It’s the kind of thing that keeps people awake at night.
Skin reacts poorly to asphalt
Today reminded me why I will never ride a motorcycle. On the way back from lunch, a motorcyclist wiped out tumbling over the roadway. Due to the smoke and debris, it wasn’t clear exactly how he fell, but he was able to get up under his own power.
Fortunately, this wasn’t a situation where everyone just passed by ignoring the situation, even though the guy had a buddy with him. The old guy closest to them stuck around, a lady called up FHP, and I offered the use of towel and rubbing alcohol to address the wounds (which he declined).
Getting a close look at him, he primarily had some cuts and a large abrasion on his left shoulder, but seemed to be mostly in good shape.
To top it off, on the side road to get to work, a power line lost slack, sagging into the middle of the right-of-way. The turn to get into the work parking lot is before the power line, so it had no direct effect on me.
Seven and under
As much as we’ll regret this later, the Mascot and I have decided to give you a behind-the-scenes look at the decision-making process that determines how some of the garbage and not-quite-garbage makes it on this site. (Some of you are new, and have little idea who this Mascot is. This post will mostly explain his origins.)
Earlier today…
LEP Mascot: This week’s been awful. You’ve gotta go with that Saudi Arabia post or something. And I still don’t understand why you won’t let me post for a week.
Me: You know why. And that Saudi Arabia post STINKS, and I’m the one who wrote it. It’s not interesting. It’s not funny. Maybe you can add something worthwhile to it–
LEP Mascot: OK, Mr. Worthless Blogger Award winner.
Me: I didn’t mean it has to have any socially redeeming value. It just has to interest people.
LEP Mascot: I still don’t understand why you’re grounding me.
Me: If you’re going to insult people, you have to be funny. If you’re not, that’s a problem, and that’s what got Imus in trouble. Your Isiah [sic] Thomas post was OK. That euros instead of dollars line was good. But it’s not like it was the acme of comedy. Plus, you can’t go around making fun of women’s looks.
LEP Mascot: And this is from the guy who mocks Manuel Uribe’s weight.
Me: That guy was proud to receive his world’s fattest man award. As far as I’m concerned, he’s fair game. Sometimes you have to be a little diplomatic. Like instead of saying Anucha Browne’s ugly, you could say she’s a seven and under.
LEP Mascot: A seven and under?
Me: That Helen A. S. Popkin chick used that term to describe the people who aren’t incredibly beautiful. Like most of us.
LEP Mascot: So I could say Anucha is a two and under, and that’s better!
Me: *sigh* You aren’t getting this.
LEP Mascot: Just messing. Seven and under. Got it. So if I wanted to brag about my looks without seeming egotistical, I’d say I’m an eight and above?
Me: Yeah, I suppose….
LEP Mascot: And if I’m speaking in Diplomacy to you, it would be, “It’s too bad you’re a seven and under instead of an eight and above like me.” The English translation: “It sucks to have your face. You need plastic surgery to look like me.”
Me: Something like that…
LEP Mascot: What if I wrote my name as “Liquid E. P. Mascot”? How cool would that be?
Me: Not very.
LEP Mascot: You’re going away this weekend again, so you need a guest blogger. Too bad I’m grounded….
Me: *sigh* Go ahead. Saturday and Sunday are yours.
LEP Mascot: Yippee!
Me: I am so going to regret this.
LEP Mascot: This was awesome. We should make this a podcast next time.
What an awful (American) football weekend
Baylor Bears, Texas Longhorns, Florida Gators, Houston Texans, and Philadelphia Eagles.
These five (American) football squad teams have two things in common:
1. These are all the teams on my regular “root for” list.
2. They all lost.
Except for Florida, they all seemed to have lost in horribly brutal fashion. It’s probably a good thing I watched 0 minutes of TV this weekend.
Consolation: none of the scores were as bad as 75-7, the result of the Texas Tech vs University of Pacifist Nurses game.
Friday Fighter!
That is the last straw. I am now officially finished using the Internet. Good-bye.
The most frightening videos of the past month
The videos are, fortunately, complete fiction.
Thanks (sort of) to Out of the Ether for this one. It’s a blonde with a chess set.
Marshie, spokesman for Fluffy Puff Marshmallows.
Why not to scuba dive alone. The girl adjusting her bathing suit while “struggling” to get back to the surface kills what little realism existed in the first place.
What turns you off?
Consider whatever gender you’re attracted to. These are things off the top of my head that are instant turn-offs. What about you?
- Smoking
- Heavy make-up
- Having released sex videos
- Already attached or attracted to someone else
- Being Britney Spears
(BTW, I still have to respond to the most recent set of comments. Unlike this post, my responses will actually require time and effort.)
Urgh…
The commenteers reacting to this story favor sniping terms, ie, stereotypical shots at “the other side” which add nothing but grief and eyerolling to the debate. (Some of these guys have to be trolls, right?)
Examples:
“left wing coward”
“Patreaus [sic] and GWB are the only one who thinks Iraq is funny.”
“RIGHT WING HATE MONGERING WAR MONGERS OF THE BUSH / RUSH EXTREMISTS”
“Simpering, bony, pasty, apologetic, white-flag waving, appeasers, who fight battles using opinion polls.”
Generally, it makes me want to give them a (metaphorical) punch in the face. Or maybe write them an e-mail asking if they want to get surgery for an independent thought implant.
The plus side is that I get to feel superior because I don’t stoop to their level. Sometimes..
