For those of you that have been living under a rock (meme-wise), a scene from the movie Downfall has been endlessly parodied on the Interwebs.

Here’s my unnecessary chess-related contribution to the babble. Just in time for the June Chess Carnival, which will be hosted by resurrected chess blogger Robert Pearson (aka, the chess personality formerly known as Wahrheit)

While Donnie is off pretending to be important in Miami, I am staying with his girlFIEND Katrushka for a bit. I am very nervous because she is an unrepentant egg-eater but so far I seem to be safe. I guess she knows that Donnie will be heartbroken if anything happens to me. Anyway, Katrushka is helping me by editing the entry because she has a degree in Writing Stuff or whatever silly things women get degrees in. I think I offended her because told her she couldn’t change my stuff based on facts she looked up or whatever, but she could add footnotes. So if you see a number, that means there’s a note from Katrushka at the bottom of the entry. And it’s in a smaller font because it’s not as important.

Well, speaking of bossing women around, I want to talk about one of my late, great ancestors. That’s why I’m calling it “Great Eggs in History” instead of continuing the “Great Moments in History” series. Today I want to talk about my ancestor Egghis Khan. Egghis Khan was a Mongrel¹ and a serious badass who conquered most of Asia and later his sons and grandsons conquered some of the Middle East and Europe and they probably would’ve conquered Mars if there had been spaceships². “Egghis Khan” is ancient Mongrelian for “Super Egg King.” Egghis Khan had about a million wives, concubines, and “surprises.”³ In fact, it is estimated that 0.5% of all eggs AND HUMANS are genetically related to Egghis Khan. He was a lovin’ machine. And a fightin’ machine. Oh, and he kinda destroyed a lot of valuable stuff in other people’s cultures…but he did so because he took over their places and made them better! The Mongrel Empire eventually stretched from Mongrelia, where Egghis was born, all the way to Eastern Europe. And they didn’t have cars or planes or teleporters back then.⁴ ALSO, he was known for his tolerance (except for other people owning things he wanted) and wasn’t a racist at all! (Because anybody could be one of his insanely hot wives, no matter what race you were, as long as you were female. And insanely hot. I have the same criteria for my girlfriends.) And he had a lot of descendants, including me, the most important one. Here are some other important descendants:

In conclusion: Egghis Khan is my hero, and I am related to some weirdos⁵. I expect you all to refer to me by my new, ancestrally-correct name, Mascot Khan.

1 Mongol. He refused to believe it was a word.
2 Or air to breathe.
3 “Surprises” meaning “Surprise! You’re going to have my baby in 9 months!”
4 He is convinced that Star Trek is a documentary, and nothing I say will convince him otherwise.
5 He’s only related to some weirdos. Riiiiight.

So there was this Dutch guy named Vincent van Gogh. He was some sort of artist who did some Post-Impressionist stuff.

When he was 5, his classmates made fun of him for having names with the number of letters being prime numbers (Vincent = 7, van = 3, Gogh = 4). Except they didn’t realize 4 wasn’t a prime number. Even when van Gogh found out later, it didn’t help; the incident scarred him for life. He was officially diagnosed with primenumberphobia (I forgot the technical term).

At first he and another famous artist, Paul Gauguin, became friends. But Van Gogh was afraid another artist would steal his claim to fame, having two “G”‘s in his last name. So Van Gogh attacked Gauguin with a Norelco electric shaver, but comically slipped on a banana peel and cut off his own ear instead.

When he was 37 years old, his phobia of prime numbers finally overwhelmed him. He realized he was going to survive into the 1900′s if he didn’t do something (remember, 19 is a prime number). So he stabbed himself with 2 butter knives on July 29 (that’s 7/29. 2, 7, and 29 are all prime numbers. So is 37. Freaky, huh?)

So this guy was a freak, but I don’t think all Dutch are freaks, so don’t worry. I reserve those feelings for the Québécois.

Hello, people,

It’s been light around here lately. We’ll get back in the swing of things soon. In the meantime, here are some random stuff that I was trying to make full posts about but failed.

Animated stereoviews of old Japan: Over 100 years ago, a Japanese photographer created some stereoviews, which is a pair of photographs that gives a 3D effect when viewed together.

Dr. Claw was a serious disappointment: Remember how you always wanted to find out what Dr. Claw (Inspector Gadget’s enemy) looked like? Frankly, I’d rather have the mystery back.

Hyung Jun Becomes a Progamer: If you weren’t aware, the computer game Starcraft is serious business in South Korea, with a professional circuit and its own TV channel. In this reality series, a Korean boy band heartthrob tries his hand at joining one of the progaming teams.

So this guy General Custer gets all the blame for getting his butt kicked by Indians. But historians tend to ignore the brilliant Indian strategy that disabled Custer’s army.

You see, while the US Army dressed in full uniforms, the Native Americans wore loincloths that showed off their lean, muscular bodies. As the sweat glistened off the Indians’ perfectly formed pecs, Custer’s soldiers realized how homoerotic the battle would look in a movie. The Indians closed in on the nervous US army. Custer’s troops shifted uncomfortably as the definition of their enemies’ toned, taut thighs became more obvious.

The soldiers couldn’t stop focusing on the Indians’ chiseled six-packs, and were completely incapable of firing their weapons. The discomfiture of the US troops led to their annihilation (see General Custer’s death in the picture)

Over 100 years later, the US Army took a page from the Native Americans’ playbook. In 1991, just before the war over Kuwait, the US sent the entire Iraqi army a copy of the movie Top Gun. The conservative Iraqi troops were so disturbed by the latent homoeroticism in the movie, they completely lost cohesiveness as a fighting force.

Due to time constraints and having a coffee fetcher who can’t do his job, this production was shorter and of a lower quality than originally envisioned. Sorry.

We do hope this clears up some of the misconceptions about the history of the American holiday Thanksgiving.

Thanks to Dinosaur Mom for having an avatar suitable for the female role. We really need to hire some female eggs soon.

Today, Americans celebrate Veterans’ Day, to commemorate their fallen warriors. We Eggs do that, too:

1. Second Punic War: Hannibal cobbled together many allies to fight the Romans, including the powerful Eggish tribes that lived in modern-day Switzerland. He used the Eggs while they were useful, but clearly Hannibal feared the might of the Eggish warrior. He had all his human allies attack us in the back, including trampling us with elephants. Cowards.

2. Battle of Kyoto, 1931: Okonomiyaki is a foul Japanese dish in which many eggs are killed to make a sort of “pancake” or “pizza”. In a bold strike against this atrocity, the famous rebel Tamago Katayude (卵 固ゆで) launched a coordinated attack against okonomiyaki restaurants in Kyoto. Eggs would launch themselves into the chefs’ faces, preventing them from being able to cook any okonomiyaki at all. It took two weeks for the “professional” Japanese army to put down the unequipped, amateur Eggish freedom fighters.

It’s obvious that one of the okonomiyaki chefs later must have become a high ranking Japanese commander in World War II and stole the suicide attack idea from Katayude.

3. The Denny’s Rebellion, 1976: In a Denny’s in Mobile, Alabama, the 105th Eggish Brigade formed to overwhelm the restaurant, and started to march on City Hall. Then the S.W.A.T. team showed up.

To celebrate their “victory”, Denny’s introduced the “Grand Slam” breakfast the following year. Humans still order Grand Slams today.

I’m sorry to have to do this. Some of you will be very angry after reading this, but there are a handful of chess bloggers who have intentionally deceived the rest of us as to their motives for blogging.

Yes, it has to do with some members of the Knights Errant.

I had to pretend to become a worshipper of de la Maza to find out the hidden secrets of this mysterious order.

History:

The Knights Errant was founded in 1320, shortly after the fall of the Knights Templar. Like the Templar, they were created to search for “the Holy Grail” (which is really the bloodline of Jesus — read the Da Vinci Code if for some reason you don’t know this.) Unlike the Templar, they would remain small, practically invisible so they wouldn’t threaten the Church. They invented this game called “chess” and pretended that’s what they were interested in.

The Knights Errant and Freemasons are closely linked. Typically, the leaders of the two organizations have been the same person, except during times where they felt their secret would be compromised.

With the discovery of DNA’s structure in 1953, the Knights Errant realized the ability to clone Jesus was possible, as long as they could find his DNA. And then they could rule the world.

Recent History:

Man De La Maza and Sancho Pawnza are credited with “founding” the Knights Errant, but this was only to draw suspicion away from the true people in power. Did you ever wonder why Blue Devil Knight was considered such a dynamic, charismatic leader? It’s because of the powerful, demonic rituals he performed as Grandmaster of the Freemasons.

BDK is excited about finding a piece of Jesus’ DNA

A couple years ago, he allegedly retired from chess blogging, but that was only because Dan Brown was watching him too closely. The Masons/Knights Errant decided to temporarily split up the leadership role. So he resigned from being the Secretary of the Knights Errant, but he was still the Grandmaster of the Masons.

The next couple secretaries, Glenn Wilson and Likesforests didn’t do much for several months. It was a pretty slick way to throw people off the trail, but I wasn’t fooled.

Evil Masonic rituals assured chessloser would be unhurt by poisoned arrows shot by enraged native tribesmen.

The role of chessloser:

Didn’t anyone find chessloser’s trip to South America strange and suspicious? Well, I did and my investigation did not end up fruitless.

To realize their plans, the Knights Errant needed some secret ingredients found only in rare plants deep in the Amazon. But they couldn’t travel freely in South America due to opposition from the Catholic Church.

So, they decided to get a non-Knight to go down there. chessloser was the perfect agent. They bribed him with beer and porn magazine subscriptions to fight through masses of native Amazonian warriors and shrug off poison arrows to get the rare plants. And he did it.

Blunderprone holds up the Declaration of Independence (artist's rendition)

Future plans of The Knights Errant

Conveniently, Blunderprone seems to want to pick up the mantle. It’s convenient because he lives in Massachusetts, which is pretty close to the Masonic-designed city of Washington, D.C. Once they get the DNA of Jesus figured out, Blunderprone can stop by and pick up the original Declaration of Independence, which has the secret formula to cloning Jesus written on the back. That way they can make the Antichrist in a test tube and start Armageddon so they can rule the world.

It’s pretty obvious, you just can’t trust anyone.

I will probably be dead when/if you read this

The Masons/Knights Errant will probably get this site taken offline and hire the Mafia to kill me off, so I am considering this my farewell. I gave this information to Dan Brown so it will be in his next book.

Blunderprone’s history of chess series is great, but he doesn’t have a post dedicated to Paul Morphy. So I’ll do it.

Paul Morphy is called “the Pride and Sorrow of Chess”. He was an unofficial World Champion for a while because they didn’t have official World Champions. Then he retired because he was too good. And according to many sources, he died from a stroke while taking a cold bath.

At least, that’s what we’ve been told. And if you’re OK with listening to “The Establishment”, then that is good enough for you.

But I did more research, and now you’ll get “the rest of the story”.

When Bobby Fischer became World Champion in 1972, he thought he was the best American chess player ever. Then in April 1973, he heard about this Morphy guy. In a jealous rage, he was determined to make sure no one thought Morphy was as good as him. So he learned how to time travel and confronted his fellow American chess genius in 1858. Fischer stabbed Morphy in the stomach, making sure to do non-fatally (see picture), and said “If you don’t retire from chess, I’ll finish the job.” So that’s why Morphy retired.

Unsatisfied, Fischer decided to finish the job. A few months later, he time-traveled to 1884 and force-fed Morphy a McRib sandwich. As Fischer calculated, the shock and revulsion at the low standards of the McRib stunned Morphy’s brain, causing the fatal stroke.

But Fischer’s time traveling caused him to become crazy. So that’s why he didn’t defend his title and became rabidly anti-Semitic.

Flashbacks (for you new people):

Great moments in history #4
Great moments in history #3
Great moments in history #2
Great moments in history #1

That picture is of the great seer Mascotdamus who lived back in the 1500′s. (Yes, my parents named me after him.) He made all these prophecies in the form of “quatrains”, four-line poems. He was in competition with some human named Nostradamus, but while Nostradamus has been pretty much debunked, no one seems to have challenged Mascotdamus. Here are some of the few that have been translated from Eggish to English:

Half and half, this is a leader
Not how one augments morning drink.
He is limited by his birthright.
Half and half is the support of his people.

This is obviously talking about Obama, how he is half-white/half-black, and his approval rating is about 50%. The morning drink part was to make sure no one confused the “half and half” with the stuff you put in coffee. Compared with that poser Nostradamus, Mascotdamus was very specific.

The northern men were always strong
Until the scarlet-clad rose in anger
And won four victories
Before the north drank from a new goblet.

Amazingly, Mascotdamus even made predictions about Major League Baseball! The Red Sox will win two more World Series while George Steinbrenner owns the Yankees (“the northern men”). And a goblet is a type of cup, and so is a stein. So drinking from a new goblet means the younger Steinbrenner will take over.

One of my own name
From a land of milk and grain
Will use the universal flame.
If [he is] not heeded, there will be needless death.

I was named after him and I was born near Battle Creek, Michigan. That’s where Kellogg’s is located (they make cereal, and you pour milk on cereal.) So the prophecy refers to me. And the universal flame must be the Internet, because everyone can access it. So if you don’t do what I say, you’re all going to die.