This could get me into trouble, but you guys deserve the truth.

I’ve been a professional hockey player in the NHL for a long time. Due to discrimination, I’ve been forced to wear a human disguise because the league thinks people aren’t ready to accept an eggish player yet.

The photo below is the engraving made on the Stanley Cup after I helped the Maple Leafs win a title in 1945:

By the way, if you noticed “ass man” by F.J. Selke’s entry, that was not his nickname, it was how “assistant manager” was abbreviated.

Source: The Stanley Cup Could Use an Editor

OK, so it’s Black History Month, where they talk about such historical inspirational black figures, like Booker T. Washington, Frederick Douglass, and Shaq.

We’ll go a different route by noting a couple interesting sites that discuss hypothesized modern-day genocide of blacks.

blackgenocide.org: Notes the disparity in black and white abortion rates, makes the claim that some abortion advocates’ true intention is a form of legalized genocide.

HIV/AIDS The Untold Story: There is a belief in the black community that AIDS was created in the lab specifically to target blacks, and is not an STD. (My ex believed this. Mr. E does not.)

The author of the linked article states that this theory has actually been advanced by white supremacists to interfere with AIDS prevention efforts.

By the way, the reason we kept the black background is because of Black History Month. Originally, the idea was to have a post where the Mascot would honor the color black instead of black people and I’d chide him for being stupid. It didn’t really work out.

So certain people mocked me for wearing a blue Santa disguise. But little do they know I’m very culturally refined, so I know what I’m doing.

You see, the Russians have a Santa, too, named Ded Moroz (“Grandfather Frost”). He looks kinda the same; a bit different dressing style, often carrying a staff, and sometimes wears BLUE instead of red:

But that’s not the big deal. While we get Mrs. Claus as the accompanying female figure, the Russians get Ded’s hot granddaughter, Snegurochka (”Snow Maiden”). Americans get candy canes while Russians get eye candy.

So, yeah, I’m writing my letter to Ded this year.

Source: Santa Claus is an ‘illegal immigrant’ declares top Kremlin official in Christmas ‘Cold War’

We are all aware by now that Christopher Columbus enslaved, tortured, and killed natives in the name of profit, right? Just wondering.

So these results are not completely unexpected, and the results surely range far beyond partisanship:

In a study a couple years ago, Democrats and Republicans both had a hard time correctly assessing information contradictory to their points of view. The test involved hearing contradictory statements from John Kerry and George W. Bush. The candidates on the test subjects’ sides could essentially deny their favored candidate’s statements while jumping on the opponent.

Oh, and right now Bush has a 32% approval rating. 65% Republicans approve of Bush. I would like to ask those of you who do give Bush a thumbs-up two things:

1. Why does Bush get your approval?
2. What do you think Bush has done poorly (if anything)?

If you’re wondering what the picture has to do with this, it’s because the weapon the processioneers are carrying is called a “partisan”. It’s a spear-like weapon, but instead of a simple spear point, the sharp end has little “wings” on the side. Presumably this was to aid in catching incoming swordstrokes, but I’m not convinced it made a partisan wielder that much more capable against swordsman than a spear wielder.

Sources: Democrats and Republicans Both Adept at Ignoring Facts, Study Finds

President Bush Job Approval

Rasputin was this weird mystical dude who had mystical powers over the last Tsarina of Russia. He had this weird scraggly beard, too; unfortunately the prop that I used had hair too thick so it’s not realistic. (It was a rental so I couldn’t rip out half the hairs as I would have liked.)

This guy is kind of mysterious. He was supposedly some combination of mystic, priest, healer, hypnotist, manipulator. Pretty much a perfect topic for the late-night Coast to Coast radio program with George Noory.

During WWI, Rasputin claimed that the Russian army would not win unless Tsar Nicholas II took command of the army. That was pretty much asking for it because the Tsar didn’t know anything about that stuff. But maybe he just wanted more power, ’cause he exerted an undue influence on the Tsarina while Nick was at the front. And got more power.

To make a long story short, a lot of people didn’t like him, and he got assassinated.

Some Polish military leaders will resist replacing cossacks with tanks

The new Polish government is less open to the United States’ suggestion of placing a missile shield on its soil. Polish Prime Minster Donald Tusk is asking for a reward, military modernization, in exchange for allowing the American defense system to be set up in Poland. While the US wasn’t expecting that sort of pushback, officials admitted it was pretty smart of those guys to try to grab what they can.

Poland hasn’t bothered to upgrade its army since the Crimean War, so they still pretty much use cossacks, mounted cavalry units. An anonymous Bush administration official remarked, “No offense to the Poles–I mean, they’re great people who make a great sausage–but no wonder the Germans beat them in, like, two days in World War II.” Mr. Tusk has done nothing but agree, summarized by the direct statement, “To put it bluntly, cossacks aren’t that effective against aircraft.”

His attitude towards national defense is a stark contrast to the former administration of Jaroslaw Kaczynski, who believed that cossacks would be “good enough if our sovereignty is threatened, at least until the rest of NATO arrives. But the French don’t count.”

Putin is disappointed all the army’s time spent learning how to defeat cavalry formations will go for naught

While Prime Minister Tusk can go ahead and say what he jolly well pleases, he risks the fury of the generals leftover from Mr. Kaczynski’s government. If the cossack units are eliminated, the army will have a significant problem with getting rid of the horses, causing no end of conflict with local chapters of PETA.

Russian president Vladimir Putin expressed dismay that the improved Polish armed forces will reduce the scope of his country’s “potential expansion”. He did concede, however, that such expansion wouldn’t be happening anyway until the Russian navy figured out how to stop sinking its own subs.

Source: US ‘to modernise Polish military’

J. Robert Oppenheimer was the director of the Manhattan Project. It was intended to develop the first nuclear weapons, as it would have been a Bad Thing if Hitler got them first. I don’t think the Japanese were really trying hard to get them.

By the way, they didn’t call it the Manhattan Project because they tested the first atomic bomb on Manhattan. (There are other explanations as to why it looks the way it does.) And the research took place at Los Alamos Lab in New Mexico, so I’m still trying to figure out what New York has to do with it.

Anyway, that quote from Oppenheimer is from some Hindu scripture or something (the Bhagavad-Gita). According to whoever edited Wikipedia last, it’s not even a very good translation. But it sounds cool, and that’s what he actually said, so we’ll stick with that.

Apparently he got into politics and some people thought he was goofy or rebellious or something. Then he retired.

He was a chain smoker and died from throat cancer at age 62. So don’t chain smoke; it’s even worse than eating eggs, but not by much.

Philip II of Macedon was the dad of Alexander the Great (how anyone who drunk himself to death by 33 can be considered “great” is a discussion for another day).

There was a wedding in Aegea (that’s the ancient capital of Macedonia) and the king sauntered out unprotected for some sort of diplomatic reasons. That’s when one of his bodyguards killed him, who in turn, got his butt kicked by three of the other bodyguards. I’m not entirely clear on how there were bodyguards but King Philip was unprotected. But you know I got this stuff right, ’cause it’s in Wikipedia.

And sorry Wahrheit, you know I have great respect for you and you have great respect for me, but I couldn’t do the re-enactment you suggested. It’s blasted difficult to sneak atomic bombs by those guards. I’ve got to find a nuclear weapons facility that uses those Wackenhut guys. Maybe next week.

Someone suggested I re-enact great moments in history…so on some Mondays I’ll present a Great Moment in History.

Julius Caesar got assassinated for something or the other. And Caesar probably didn’t really say “Et tu, Brute?”; that was some drama Shakespeare added. But still, it gets the point across. Julius didn’t die of pneumonia, or slipping on some ice (that was Dr. Atkins).

If there’s one lesson you can take from this is don’t try to become the emperor of Rome.