Today, I found out some very disturbing facts. It’s not enough that humans subject billions of eggs to torture by frying, scrambling, or poaching them. Check this finding from some page named CHOW:
At CHOW’s local Safeway, one dozen Grade AA, extra-large white eggs from Lucerne sell for $3.19. Their brown counterparts, same size and grade, go for $3.98 per dozen.
You see, humans not only discriminate against each other, they put a price tag on eggs based solely on the color of their shell. Whites like me get treated like second-class citizens. (Well, actually third-class citizens, since eggs are already considered “lower” than humans. I just found out the other day we don’t have any Constitutional rights.)
The American Egg Board (you’ll find them in the “Enemies” section in the links) is a sadistic organization dedicated to convincing people that eating eggs is healthy. But I can’t disagree with what they conclude: “Eggshell color does not affect an egg’s … quality….”
So stop discriminating against whites. Thanks.
July 25th, 2008
5 comments
Posted by Liquid E. P. Mascot
Filed under In the News, Uncomfortability
Dear Europe,
Your decision to incorporate airlines in your emissions trading scheme (ETS) is vaguely unrealistic. Please note oil is over $140/barrel. We at the airlines are currently trying every trick possible to use less fuel. We really, really want to cut emissions because it will help us not go bankrupt.
Now, if the goal of ETS is simply forcing airlines to either cut even more flights or go out of business…well, that would certainly reduce emissions, and I can’t fault its efficiency.
Source: EU in talks with Obama and McCain over aviation cap-and-trade deal
June 27th, 2008
3 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Burning Agony, In the News
For those of you who consider Liquid Egg Product a primary source for world news, I apologize for being a little lax recently. However, rest assured that I continue to keep an eye out for relevant, engaging topics.
Recently, Tampa police arrested God, accusing him of selling cocaine–near a church of all places. Of course, there’s a bit more to the story than that sentence indicates, but it makes an almost unbeatable headline.
As long as reality continues to remain more interesting than fiction, I plan to stick around as long as possible.
Source: God accused of selling cocaine
June 25th, 2008
6 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under In the News
First, if you are eating or have recently eaten, and have a vivid imagination, it may be best for you to discontinue reading this post. And you are free to kill Allen afterwards, who alerted me to the story.
Our friend Manuel Uribe, who once weighed 1200 lbs or so, is now down to 700. With no sarcasm intended, good for him.
But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still look like this:
It’s already established that he has a girlfriend. And he wants to marry her when he’s actually capable of walking her down the aisle. But what wasn’t clear earlier was how well or poorly they do with all that physical stuff. Now we know:
“We are a couple,” Uribe said. “We have sex, and in the eyes of God we are already married.”
I’ve spent no time figuring out how those mechanics could possibly work. You may want to follow my lead.
Source: 700-pound man’s birthday wish? Marriage
June 16th, 2008
6 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Burning Agony, In the News
Visiting Liquid Egg Product can be a vital part of boosting your productivity at work. (Not that you aren’t doing this already, of course.) Taking a break from work to surf the ‘net actually boosts your ability to work because you get revitalized. Check out what this professor at some university said:
Dr Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic of London’s Goldsmiths University, who helped with the research, said: “Tea breaks and fag breaks have long been the most common types of break within office culture but the report shows that ebreaks are fast becoming the most popular choice of break for British workers.
“The report proves that a 10 minute ebreak a day can have significant benefits but, despite this, many bosses are banning them in the fear that they distract employees.
By the way, this article’s from Britain, so when it says “fag break” it means cigarettes. Either that, or they’re doing something else in the British workplace I wouldn’t be particularly eager to be a part of.
Anyway, the next time your boss asks you “Why the *#@% are you visiting that website with that egg again, Smithson?!?!”, just respond, “Sir/Madam, I’m just trying to boost my productivity for the good of the company! That egg is called the Mascot and you’ll find him very inspirational!” (Note: In that example conversation, you should substitute your own name for Smithson if your name’s not Smithson.)
And while you’re at it, tell him to buy a Mascot T-shirt to support my 2008 presidential bid. Obama is starting to pass me in campaign funds.
Source: The Press Association: Web breaks ‘boost productivity’
June 2nd, 2008
7 comments
Posted by Liquid E. P. Mascot
Filed under In the News, Mascot for President, Science/Technology
An airline passenger discovers there is no joy in being assigned the “other” jumpseat. (Story)
Than Shwe, you held your sham vote instead of helping millions of your cyclone victims. Grats. (Story)
Bank tellers tend to get a little suspicious when you start throwing around 360 billion dollar checks. (Story)
My exercise habits have been very poor. This morning, I discovered I now run a 13 minute mile.
A 13 minute mile.
Now maybe in 30 years, that’ll be something to be proud of. But I used to be able to run one under 7. Nowadays, if you stick me in a race with the 38-ish chessloser and 50-something Polly, they’d be breezing through like a couple of Olympians to the finish line while the crowd starts mocking me as I’m only halfway through, wheezing and gasping.
May 13th, 2008
16 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Grilled Cheese, In the News, Uncomfortability, Weaksauce Losers
“Pressed to name an economist who supports her plan to temporarily suspend the federal gas tax, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton said today that commuters, truck drivers and other gas customers know it would make a difference.”
This made me laugh.
(Source)
May 5th, 2008
9 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under In the News
“Crop-based biofuels are not part of the solution. They, in fact, add to the problem. Whether Al Gore has caught up with that, somebody ought to ask him.”
–Food Crisis Eclipsing Climate Change
“Everyone knows the president’s poll numbers are at historic lows, but if he is over in Lubbock, there is no place in this country that likes him.”
–The View From Gate 14
“At first the guy was blocking. But we kept on kicking and assaulting him. After he started bleeding, we stopped. They said: ‘Why are you stopping?’ So we had to keep on beating him. Then they gave us some pills - I’m not sure what they were, but after I took them I had this rage.”
–Confessions of a Zimbabwe torturer
“Israel has dismissed a conditional six-month truce proposed by Hamas, saying that it was a ruse to allow the Palestininan group to recover from losses after recent clashes with the Israeli military.”
–Israel rejects Hamas truce offer
“Dr Giles said fewer ejaculations may mean the carcinogens build up.”
–Masturbation ‘cuts cancer risk’ (So I had to throw a curveball in there somewhere, OK?)
April 25th, 2008
5 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under In the News
Both Hillary and Obama have now called for Bush to at least consider boycotting the opening of the Olympics, being held in Beijing this year. (Beijing’s the capital of China; hopefully you knew that already…)
Most LEP readers are savvy enough to figure out that this move as much about setting up for the November election as any sort of moral stand. The Dem candidates have an easy way to “look tough” on foreign policy while not hurting their base.
But unless McCain grows out his hair, wears tie-dye suits, and talks about free love in the White House, he’s keeping the “tough guy” mantle until November.
This must be about influencing the 2% that will make the difference, because conservatives will only assume Clinton and Obama are phony. (And Obama looks worse, because he came up with the idea second.)
And if I were China, I’d say, “Thank for teaching us about human rights. *cough* Abu Ghreib *cough* We will take your potential boycott into consideration.” (Never mind that it’s apples and oranges; THAT incident is still a stinging barb.)
: Yesterday, it was the KCNA and now it’s the primary that never ends. Could you be more boring for your next post? Thanks.
April 10th, 2008
4 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under In the News
