1. Corpse ineligible for Social Security: Virgilio Cintron recently bit the dust. His roommate and another friend decided this would be their opportunity to get their hands on some quick cash. They put their friend’s corpse into an office chair, and wheeled him over to a check-cashing store to cash his most recent Social Security check.
Needless to say, they caused some comment in the streets, and a detective took notice. During their failed attempt (they were about to wheel the corpse in, because it needed to be there in person), the cops swung by to make the arrest.
2. Thief takes a stab at it: (We re-enacted this story; see picture.) A man attempted to steal some of hunting knives by stuffing them in his waistband. As he was fleeing the employees trying to stop him, he tripped and stabbed himself in the abdomen.
3. South Africa claims criminal non-mastermind. A man went to a police station, complaining his cell phone was stolen from him at gunpoint. The police called the phone’s number, only to hear the cell phone ringing in the man’s pocket.
: By the way don’t worry about me, that’s not real egg white; that’s ketchup. You can tell the stabbing’s fake because I’m still smiling.
January 9th, 2008
10 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Patently Ineffective, Weaksauce Losers
This season, Marty Booker leads the Dolphins in receiving with 430 yards. Who’s gained the second most for the Dolphins?
a. Derek Hagan
b. Justin Peelle
c. Ted Ginn Jr.
d. Chris Chambers, who played only 6 games, then was traded
e. Ronnie Brown, who isn’t even a WR and was injured for the year in game 7
December 14th, 2007
4 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Patently Ineffective, Sports
Voting for the 2007 Liquid Egg Product on the Face Award is now open!
Voting will be open until December 18, I think. Technically, it’s a one-person, one-vote, but if you find a way to stuff the ballot box, I’m not going to care all that much.
I will actually attempt to contact the winner to let him know he won…so we’ll see how that goes (apparently there were no worthy female candidates; make of that what you will).
(Jump straight to the voting.)
 |
Judge Roy L. Pearson: A dry cleaner lost his pants, so he sued for $67 million. Broke down crying on the witness stand when talking about his lost pants. Lost the lawsuit, and his job shortly after. Read more here and here. |
| Scot Pollard: Told kids to use drugs on TV. Discovered not everyone appreciated the humor value of the joke. (video) |
 |
Senator Larry Craig: Busted in a sting operation for soliciting gay sex in a public bathroom. Pled guilty; later claimed he was innocent. Generally made a mess out of his political career. (story) |
 |
Jonathan Ogden: Professional athlete who “acted” and “danced” in a car insurance commercial. Pseudo-flexed when the jingle lyrics said “power”. Giggled maniacally at the end of the commercial. Proved even offensive linemen can get beautiful female groupies, of sorts. (video) |
|
Christopher Emmorey: This bank robber waited for the teller to fill out paperwork during his heist. Teller charged him a $5 service fee for not being a bank customer, and he paid it. Cops overheard him asking neighbors to collude on his alibi. (story) |
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Duane “Dog” Chapman: Repeatedly called his son’s girlfriend a n*****. His son secretly recorded one of his tirades and sold it to the tabloids. Production of the TV series starring Chapman has been suspended. (story) |
The 2007 Liquid Egg Product on the Face Award winner should be…
- Judge Roy L. Pearson: $67 million lawsuit for lost pair of pants (37%)
- Senator Larry Craig: requested gay sex in public restroom (26%)
- Scot Pollard: told kids to use drugs on TV (26%)
- Duane “Dog” Chapman: called son’s gf a n*****; son leaked tape (5%)
- Jonathan Ogden: “dances” in auto insurance commercial (5%)
- Christopher Emmeroy: disrespected bank robber (0%)
Total Votes: 19
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December 12th, 2007
17 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Patently Ineffective, Weaksauce Losers
It’s close to the end of 2007, and it’s time for the First Annual Liquid Egg Product on the Face Award! (For you non-Americans, we have an expression to “have egg on one’s face” which means that person’s done or said something foolishly embarrassing.)
The award honors the person who managed to be the most entertainingly stupid. And you, dear reader, get a hand in determining the winner!
We’re looking for your candidates! Leave in the comments, and we’ll probably keep a total of 6 or 7 to vote on. Suggestions must be in by Tuesday, Dec 11, and voting starts Wednesday, Dec 12 (it’ll be open for several days to give people time).
CLARIFICATION: Do not vote on one of these four guys now! What I’m looking for is a few more worthy candidates. Then we will vote next week.
Here are a few suggestions from the Mascot and I:
Jonathan Ogden: Albeit a professional athlete doing a TV commercial is shooting fish in a barrel. (video)
Judge Roy L. Pearson: The $67 million pants guy. If you’ve been living in a hole, you can re-live the saga here, here, and here.
Christopher Emmeroy: This bank robber waited for the teller to fill out paperwork during his heist. Nothing else went right for him, either. (story)
Scot Pollard: Told kids to use drugs on national TV. (video)
[Mascot: Actually, I was wondering why you aren't on the list.]
[Donnie: You know that employees, owners, and shareholders of liquideggproduct.com are not eligible for the award, right?]
[Mascot: Darn! Do I at least get a vote?]
[Donnie: Yes, we both get a vote.]
[Mascot: Yay!]
December 4th, 2007
12 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Patently Ineffective, Weaksauce Losers
The Miami Dolphins, 0-11, played at home against the also-inept New York Jets (2-9). Miami was favored by Las Vegas oddsmakers to get their first win of the season.
Final: Jets 40, Dolphins 13. All is right with the world.
December 2nd, 2007
10 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Patently Ineffective, Sports, Weaksauce Losers
10 Things to Say in Spanish to Pick Up a Girl
Anyone who recommends asking “How old are you?” or “What is your favorite color?” to pick up a chick… Seriously, I’m not sure how to react to that.
November 11th, 2007
3 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Patently Ineffective
(If you have a hard time reading the poster, it says “Mediocrity: It takes a lot less time and most people won’t notice the difference until it’s too late”.)
I didn’t use enough of those sticky squares for the poster to stay up on the wall, so it fell down in 3 days. (Seriously.)
November 2nd, 2007
4 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Patently Ineffective
Fun article on how stupid the next generation of Americans will be. The columnist knows a teacher who is so frightened of how bad the United States will be next generation, he’s considering retiring to another country.
So I decided to take a look at a few different age groups and their blogs to see if we really are becoming that stupid.
The Fogies (55+): Well, they don’t blog too much. Technophobia and all that.
MLC Candidates (36-54): You can read someone like DK who compels his readers to think in unorthodox manners, and might be considered rather sophisticated (as long as you ignore the pics of half-naked women). Or Derek, who handles words as well as a fencer wielding a rapier and main gauche (and is one of two people in the world who force me to use a dictionary.) Or the self-abasing chessloser who’s the best I know at writing long blog posts that manage to keep my interest.
My peers-ish (20-35): Then you get to the generation of me and my peers, who are less and less able to express our thoughts with any sort of extended prose or accurate verbiage. We are more or less adults in age only, and our writing reflects it (I prefer not to use words more than two syllib…sylabel…parts.) Apparently, my sworn enemy is now incapable of producing much more than 12 word Twitters.
Kids (19 and under): I don’t know any bloggers this age, more evidence that they’re illiterate.
Frightening stuff.
October 26th, 2007
13 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Patently Ineffective
On a normal day at the office, there are 3 to 5 people in our department here. We all have plenty of job security.
Today, it’s just me. On Friday, it’s most often three people. However, the department head will be at a meeting out of the area all day, and the other guy took a vacation day. Furthermore, this morning I had a conference call with programmers from India. So, yeah, this was one of the worst possible days to schedule that.
It took 2 hours for me to solve the programming problem that should have taken 30 minutes, and I managed to look like a complete moron on the phone with a passenger because I couldn’t get information on when a flight left. Plus, we normally send a report in the morning which was obviously delayed, receiving an e-mail about when that was going to be finished. And I think it had some slightly inaccurate information (they will be bugging me pretty soon, methinks.)
Looking at this flight manifest (list of passengers), at the bottom it states that an asterisk by the passenger name “indicates babe in arms”. While there were no passengers denoted with an asterisk this time around, the whole concept should make all of us a little uneasy…
October 26th, 2007
3 comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Grilled Cheese, Patently Ineffective
Cry into your beer, Miami Heat fans. Michael Doleac is no longer with the Heat.
Unfortunately, this means no more slow, chunky white guy to be entertained by the few minutes he gets his third-string center self on the court. However, the Heat did get Mark Blount in return. My co-worker Celtics fan tells me Blount is a slow, chunky black guy, a role I felt Shaq was filling just fine.
October 24th, 2007
no comments
Posted by Donnie
Filed under Patently Ineffective, Sports
