Here’s a pro tip: If you rob a bank, don’t brag about it on Facebook.

A couple tellers enlisted the help of a boyfriend and brother to “rob” the bank while they were the only tellers working.

A few days later, the conspirators were posting statuses like “”IM RICH BITCH”, “WIPE MY TEETH WITH HUNDEREDS …” and “U HAVE TO PAST THE LINE SOMETIMES!! TO GET DIS MONEY!!”

It looks like someone was able to put two and two together. It was the all-caps that really gave it away.

Source: Heist suspect’s post: ‘IM RICH’

Perhaps I’m not up on my Bible reading. But if anyone can remind me what part of the Bible involved getting attacked by carrots, french fries, and salad dressing, that would be much appreciated.

Chess and cheating. They start with the same first 3 letters, so it makes sense that they go hand-in-hand.

According to The Independent, three titled French players were caught cheating in a fairly elaborate scheme.

One collaborator followed the games on the Internet and used a powerful chess engine to find moves. These would be texted, coded as phone numbers, to another collaborator. This guy would move between tables, the tables signifying certain squares.

The accused are denying it, but have already been suspended by the French national organization.

Source: White knights catch French grandmasters cheating by text

Although only a handful of you play Starcraft, this was too good to pass up. Unfortunately, there’s not really a good chess analogy to this situation, since chess is a game of perfect information…

I knew I should have been suspicious of Donnie’s new girlfriend. Not only has he stopped blogging, but the top-secret ESN (Espionage Spy Network) has caught them in the most heinous criminal activity.

My suspicions were confirmed recently when Katrushka (that’s that so-called “girlfriend”, more like “girlfiend”) suggested eating boiled eggs on their picnic. Donnie, who should know better, was all like “OK, dear”, probably he wanted to get in her pants instead of sticking to moral principles.

The ESN captured the following pictures of their wanton, abject cruelty (WARNING: these images are disturbing, violent, and heartbreaking)

The World Court at the Yolkgue has already ordered their arrest on charges of “Eggnic Cleansing”. If you see them, please beat them up and capture them until the Eggish Police and the Cyber Police can drag their sorry butts to court. Thank you.

And what about global warming and melting polar ice caps? A study by the National Snow and Ice Data Center indicates that in the last three years alone, summer sea ice has increased by a staggering 409,000 square miles.

– From Let the polar bears die, liberals: It’s only your beloved evolution at work

To Ms. Cupp’s credit (?), I doubt she actually researched this statistic herself. She probably relied on some source who should know better, but is more interested in spouting conservative propaganda.

If you readers care for an exercise, please explain why this statistic is completely worthless in determining whether the polar ice caps are melting are not.

For bonus points, link to more useful statistics, and briefly explain what is most probably occurring with the Arctic Sea’s ice.

It’s said that we dream every night, but simply don’t remember them. I don’t know how true that is, but last night I had two dreams that I could easily recall. Whether that’s because of going to bed 2 hours earlier than normal, or reading the Tel’aran’rhiod chapter in the Dragon Reborn (it’s about a World of Dreams), who knows.

Anyway, here they are:

Dream #1

In a classroom, there were about 25 of us listening to a lecture by Martin Gardner, who was well-known for his recreational mathematics writing.

The topic had something to do with finding certain types of solids that could have integral values for their sides, akin to finding integral solutions to the Pythagorean equation. At some juncture, I pointed out some error he made while using an irregular solid as an example. He thanked me and I felt rather proud (even though the error was trivial).

During the lecture, somehow I realized it was February 1979, so I must have traveled back in time.

Despite not knowing what Gardner looked like, in the dream he basically looked like himself without the glasses. And maybe a bit more hair.

After the lecture, most the students gathered in a circle and started chatting. I had a suspicion that some of them were also time travelers, but didn’t want to tip off non-time travelers in case that had dire consequences. So I simply asked if anyone else was a “Traveler” (about 8 or 10 people raised their hands).

Someone also brought up World of Warcraft and talked about the first expansion. Not the actual first expansion, but some expansion invented in the dream, which had a Final Fantasy 5 Bomb pictured on the CD cover (?????)

Eventually, everyone packed up to leave. But I realized I didn’t know how to get back to my own time, and was hoping to tag along with the others. But they all left quickly and it took me FOREVER to pack. Fortunately, Gardner realized that I was a time traveler. He told me I just needed to keep going and I’d find the right guide, or something like that. I didn’t understand and tried to ask for clarification, but whenever I looked at him, he faded further into a brown mist and grew fainter. There was no choice but to move on.

Wandering through a hall, I couldn’t find the guide Gardner was talking about, and eventually wandered into a supermarket. I started to think about what would happen if I were stuck in this time period. My ATM card wouldn’t work. The cash I did have was from the 21st century, so that was bad. I thought about going to see my parents, which would include my dad in an afro. But I didn’t even know what state I was in, so that wasn’t an option.

Then I woke up.

Dream #2

If you don’t want to experience a somewhat disturbing mental image, please stop reading now.

Understand this is really for the 4 or 5 readers who are entertained by this kind of thing.

You probably aren’t one of them.

OK, I warned you.

The scene starts at the Griffins’ house. As in, the Griffin family from Family Guy. Lois and I start making out in the kitchen. Peter ambles by, and doesn’t seem to care in the least. Even so, I tell Lois we should go back to my place. Which is a house next door that we are teleported into.

From the inside, it seems to be a one-room log cabin with a bed and sparse furnishings. She climbs on top of me, and we start having sex. I look up, and Stewie is there in a blue diaper, yelling and all ticked off. I get up and tell Lois we really need to do this somewhere else, but she doesn’t seem aware of the danger.

Lois Griffin is so hot, she’s made me watch all of 6 episodes.

As we know, NBA players talk trash to each other on the court. It’s natural; many of us did that on the playground as well.

Charlie Villanueva made some news this week when he accused Kevin Garnett of calling him a “cancer patient”. The media was up in arms, because it’s obvious you can’t say that since it has the word “cancer” in it.

Garnett defended himself with:

My comment to Charlie Villanueva was in fact ‘You are cancerous to your team and our league.’

If Garnett doesn’t deserve scorn for such a transparent lie, he should be mocked for how mind-bogglingly weaksauce that “insult” is. (As a point of comparison, my trash talk consists of “Your improper arm extension impacts the accuracy of your free throws.”)

If any of you want to adapt this for your chess games (say if you’re playing a kid who stubbornly continues a dead-drawn endgame), try the following taunt to throw your opponents off their game: “You are cancerous to our club and the USCF.” That’ll show ‘em. Of course, FIDE, FICS, etc. can be substituted for the USCF as needed.

Wow. I am remiss. Our favorite ex-NBA player, Shawn Bradley, ran for a seat in the Utah legislature.

Back in March, he just managed to file for running the Friday before the deadline, which was probably a good of an omen as any.

Naturally, he lost. Apparently it was a too tall of an order for him.

To be honest, I would have been disappointed if he won.

: Wait a minute. You didn’t talk about that chick, Kristi Noem.

: “That chick”? Could you be a little more respectful? And who’s she?

: You know, she won the South Dakota election and she’s going to be popular because she’s pretty hot.

: Look, that’s your domain, make your own post. I ain’t stopping you.

: And I found out why Christine O’Donnell lost.

: Yeah?

: I was looking through her Flickr feed. In every single one, she was wearing pants, never skirts or dresses. So people got scared off because they thought she was lesbian.

: Boy, I can’t wait until you get your gig on CNN, man.

All-in-all, during the McDonald’s Monopoly game, I spent about $50 on eating there. This is about $50 more than normal for this same time period.

I won:

1 free Redbox movie rental (worth $1)
180 Coke Rewards Points (sort of worth about $9, depending on the reward)
Medium Fries
Any breakfast sandwich, excluding McGriddles (seriously?)
Small McFlurry or Small Fruit ‘n’ Yogurt Parfait

Needless to say, McDonald’s won’t be wanting to use my name and picture for their promotional materials next year.

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In the United States, yesterday was Election Day. For those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook, here is the official LEP view on things: voting for a “D” or an “R” doesn’t change the fact that money buys power in this country. It also won’t change the trend of more money being concentrated into fewer hands. Who gets into power only determines how the United States will grow weaker, not whether it happens.