How to beat women at chess
Blue Devil Knight has decided to start blogging again instead of taking care of his daughter. He’s calling for a Chess Improvement Blog Carnival. Here’s my submission.
There’s a somewhat famous book called “How to Beat Your Dad at Chess”. That’s all well and good, but the book covers too small of a niche. It’s useless for people like me, whose dad doesn’t even play chess. Or Luke Skywalker, who refuses to acknowledge he has a dad.
But most of us do play women at least once in a while. Like a few years ago in one of the Tournament of Lepers, chess blogger Polly crushed me in a match. And to be honest, I still need some stiff Jamaican rum to drink away the pain of that defeat. So I developed this 4-step program on how to beat women at chess.
My research revealed a great surprise: it turns out that women are people, too. Losing to that female 1400 drops you just as many rating points as losing to that male 1400. Here are some tips on how to deal with them:
1. Focus
When you’re sitting at the chessboard, your eyes should be directed towards those black and white things on the table. If your eyes are wandering anywhere above that level, you’re doing it wrong.
Sometimes, women will try to trick you by wearing a black and white shirt with the top few buttons undone. Don’t be fooled.
2. Do not redefine “center control”
Repeat this mantra, and repeat it again. “The center” refers to the squares d4, e4, d5 and e5. It does not mean what you want it to mean, even against Arianne Caoili.
3. Women can be emotional
See, there’s this thing called PMS. If you only play them during “that time of month”, females will be more likely to play emotionally than logically, increasing your winning changes.
If you do start to lose, tick them off by offering a draw every two or three moves. This will further increase any emotional imbalance already present.
4. Did I mention that women are people, too?
Bobby Fischer’s nugget of wisdom notwithstanding, playing a woman does not mean an auto-win.
OH! Those 4 centre squares on the board are the CENTER? I’ve been focusing on the wrong centre. I’m surprised i haven’t been sued for sexual harassment
Reply to QThat was good.
I am toying with the idea of creating a team for the Texas Team Championship
http://www.dallaschess.com/calendar.html
Are you interested?
Goal: to win U1900
Ivan
Reply to Ivan“Blue Devil Knight has decided to start blogging again instead of taking care of his daughter.”
LOL. Literally.
Reply to Blue Devil KnightDonnie the mascot is blogging under your name. Dude do you have no control over there? Come on man get your act together!
Reply to wang@Q: It would be sexual assault, I think, not harassment.
@Ivan: I think I’d be able to do the team. HOPEFULLY, my game is up to snuff.
@BDK: At least you have a wife.
@Wang: You’re right. I have no control. It’s now time to cry into my cream soda.
Reply to DonnieWhat about controlling her center like a hypermodernist? You know controlling it without occupying it?
It might not land you in jail, but might land you creepiest opponent award as you staring at her.
Reply to wangYou are the US Class B champion after all
Reply to IvanHere is where we are now
1.????
2.1909 IVAN WIJETUNGE
3.1792 KENNETH CHARLES ARTZ
4.1787 DONALD BRIGGS JR
The highest rated player we can get and still contend for the U1900 prize is:
Reply to Ivan2111, do you know anyone?
@Wang: That is brilliant. And you could probably get away with being considered non-creepy. From the women I’ve talked to, cleavage baring shirts are meant to get attention.
@Ivan: Responded in Facebook. Unfortunately, I’m not close to many chess players here, as I don’t frequent the HCC often. But maybe I can scare up someone.
Reply to Donnie