How to save the USCF
We all know the USCF is in a signficant pile of legal and political doo-doo. I propose implementing the following course of action, which will strengthen U.S. chess for years to come. But only if we, the members, have the force of will to get it done.
1. Get rid of the current USCF board, and nullify this year’s election. Replace the board with the people noted above.
2. All major tournaments will supply two free pints of beer, per person, per diem. In order to preserve the USCF’s reputation, the beer supplied must not be Milwaukee’s Best.
3. If a major tournament has too high a percentage of old white guys, chess babes will be deployed to improve the average attractiveness level.
4. Chess Life will be reduced to a quarterly publication to save costs. Chess Enquirer will be the new flagship chess magazine (distributed monthly).
5-8. Some other stuff I forgot.
(In the picture, Left to right: Egg Fu Yung, The Mascot, Mr. E, Suzie Yolkar, The Fake Fake Real Sam Sloan. Also pictured, beer and chess babes.)
LOL, Interesting plan. I can agree with everything except the beer. I propose that Mr. E be placed in charge of Accounts Receivable. In that role, we can be fairly sure not too many people will test his wrath by not paying their dues on time.
Reply to TomI totally thought this was real – until I saw “chess babes”. Way to make it totally ridiculous.
Reply to Derek SlaterDoes Egg Fu Yung have a passing resemblance to … … Derek Slater?
Reply to RobertI like the idea of Chess Inquirer. I’d volunteer to be a spin machine.
Reply to blunderproneOh, hell yes!
Reply to RobertWouldn’t the beer transform the tournaments into bouts of Shot Glass Chess?
Reply to AllenThis is very disrespectful.
Reply to AnonymousAn egg-based pun on Susan Polgar’s name. That’s the pinnacle of high comedy right there.
Reply to DonnieEgg Fu Yung is my favorite!
Also. Mahnahmahnah!! Mahnahmahnah!! Mahnahmahnah!!
Reply to annieI agree w/ anonymous – it’s a complete dis to eggs everywhere to associate them with the uscf. Shame.
p.s. Robert – I do have a funny-shaped head but I’m not yellow.
Reply to Derek Slater@Tom: See, I’ll tell you why you should like the beer part. The idea is to get us non-beer drinkers a few extra rating points, if you know what I mean.
@Derek: The chess babes gave it away, too? I was worried that having a woman on the board would seem too unrealistic.
@Blunderprone: You say that now. But what about when you find out you won’t be on the cover every month? At least, that’s when I’d stop volunteering.
@Allen: Have you ever been to a tournament? Believe me, Shot Glass Chess would be an upgrade. As long as no one gets drunk enough to strip.
@Robert: Egg Fu Yung is a big fan of Reassembler. He always said he wanted to look like Derek, except with jaundice and bald.
@Anonymous: I always show respect, Internet Tough Guy.
@Donnie: I was able to fill a quart-size pitcher with the sarcasm leaking out of your opinion.
@Annie: Well, of course, the Asian egg would be your favorite. Racist.
Reply to The MascotThe other question is… wouldn’t the beer cause controversies regarding the number of bathroom trips?
Reply to AllenWow, I think you just won the thread.
Reply to Donniedon’t hate, foo. i know what good is.
Mahnahmahnah
Reply to annieDoodoodoodoo.
Reply to Donnie