The Mascot’s Bio
Early Life
I never knew my parents. My first memory is pushing open the top of an egg carton, then stepping out of the container and into an aisle of the dairy section. The supermarket must have been closed because I don’t remember seeing any people.
I walked through the cereal aisle, and saw a picture of Cap’n Crunch. I knew at that time it was my destiny to sell boxes of cereal.
Even though the supermarket doors were locked, it couldn’t stop me! Because I’m two-dimensional, I was able to slip through the crack and into the world.
Getting Mature
The first thing I wanted to do is walk around. Then I wanted to eat some beef jerky, so I tried to grab one from a convenience store but they didn’t like that unless I had money. I asked “What is money?”; they said “Are you stupid?”. I said “I’m new at this life thing; where can I get money?” They said “Get a job.” I said “OK, can I get money by selling cereal?”, and they said sure.
I still didn’t get any beef jerky.
So I went over to a Waffle House, where I thought I could sell cereal, but found out they served scrambled eggs for breakfast. I threw a Molotov Cocktail inside to teach them a lesson and stop innocent eggs from dying. Satisfied I’d done hard, worthwhile work, I went back to the convenience store and asked if I could get some money now. The guy behind the counter said arson didn’t count as a job, and I need to interview before working. And I should go away before the cops got there.
I really wanted some beef jerky at that point.
Since I happened to be in Battle Creek, Michigan, it was real close to both Post and Kellogg’s headquarters. I tried to get interviews, but the security guards kicked my shell. Then the guy at the other place wouldn’t even tell me how long General Mills had served in the armed forces. In desperation, I tried to interview at Malt-O-Meal but they laughed me out of the building.
Career Change
So there was this goofy-looking white guy getting beat up by a 10-year-old. Being noble and stuff, I roundhouse-kicked the kid in the face, and asked the guy if he was all right. He said sure, and his name was Donnie. I asked him if he wanted to beat up the kid and take his lunch money; he said that was a good idea.
After evading the cops, he offered me my current job, and even let me sit near a fireplace! (I couldn’t sit close to it too long, otherwise I’d just end up hard-boiled.) While I’m still awaiting my destiny of selling cereal, I’m becoming a good blogger and trying to organize a presidential campaign.
I hope this bio answered most of your questions.
Beautiful.
Comment by l3rucewayne | 23 January 2008
mascot you do realize that when you torched the waffle house, you probably killed all the eggs there being held in captivity? kind of like peta a-sploding an animal research lab without first liberating the animals.
Comment by annie | 24 January 2008
you should have waited until after the election before letting on about the waffle house incident. You know that is just political cannon fodder.
242 more days!
Comment by Blunderprone | 24 January 2008
This is surely a pack of lies. I’ve never been beaten up by a 10-year-old.
Comment by Donnie | 24 January 2008
Thank you, l3rucewayne. I thought so too.
Annie, the special design of the egg shell makes them immune to being “a-sploded” (as you put it; boy I’m glad I know how to spell) by Molotov Cocktails. Or so I was told.
Blunderprone, maybe you’re right, but my other advantages will outweigh it. You will see when I finish my campaign video.
Donnie, don’t be embarrassed that you got beat up by some shrimpy kid. The worst part about that whole thing is the kid didn’t even have enough money for a #2 combo at McDonald’s.
Comment by The Mascot | 24 January 2008
The first thought that came to mind is that The Mascot has great potential to become the next Chuck Norris. His instinct was to roundhouse kick a 10 year old! A roundhouse kick!
All he needs to do now is to name his appendages Law and Order!
Anyhow, the Wafflehouse incident won’t cause any real presidential problems, it will show that he stays the course, sticks to his convictions and is willing to smite the enemy when necessary. Those are qualities of a great leader. Pair that with the story of saving Donnie from the thrashing of a lifetime from a ten year old and the Mascot might be able to run as a hero.
Comment by Allen | 24 January 2008
Did I ever tell you I won three Purple Hearts? (Fine, granted, this line of reasoning didn’t work for Kerry, but he was lame anyway.)
Even for a highly evolved lifeform like me, it’s hard to go against the Norris, so please don’t send him any challenges or anything. I AM an evolutionist, but those human scientists have no clue what they’re doing so I will have to show the world the facts they’ve been ignoring.
it will show that he stays the course, sticks to his convictions and is willing to smite the enemy when necessary
Thank you for killing my chances at becoming president (unless Americans are dopey enough to want Bush III and I wouldn’t put it past them). To tell you the truth, the only reason I helped Donnie was that it looked like he had a pack of Slim Jims in his pocket. And to warn you ladies who for some reason would want to date him, he only has a slim jim, if you get what I’m saying.
Comment by The Mascot | 24 January 2008
Great read.
Comment by Edwin | 24 January 2008
Btw, after looking up info on beef jerky which convinced me the stuff gotta be awesome, i ordered some on the web. I can’t think of any stores that sell it over here, so… If i think of it, i’ll let you know how it was.
Comment by Edwin | 24 January 2008
@Allen: LOL at what it takes to be a good president.
@The Mascot: The difference between you and Kerry is he didn’t cut his Purple Hearts out of cardboard.
And I’d be frightened if you took the effort to find out whether my jim is slim or not.
@Edwin: It WAS entertaining, but probably only half-true. Beef jerky can be found EVERYWHERE in the States; I’m surprised at least large supermarkets in the Netherlands don’t stock it.
Comment by Donnie | 25 January 2008
Donnie, hey… it’s not like that platform hasn’t been tried and suceeded before!
Comment by Allen | 25 January 2008
imagine what would have happened if malt-o-meal had accepted you? perhaps things work out for the best. with this bio, my life is almost complete…
Comment by chessloser | 25 January 2008
It is my belief that somehow through this site the mascot will end up meeting someone dealing with cereal marketing. Or perhaps the mascot will win the presidency and after his term is up be the perfect spokesperson for his cereal of choice.
Comment by Allen | 25 January 2008